“Scientists in Stockholm say hundreds of jellyfish have shut down a nuclear reactor. Hey, that’s nothing. In this country, a bunch of spineless jellyfish have shut down the entire government.” – Jay Leno
“People are saying now that before the government shutdown Congressmen went out and got drunk – celebrating that they had shut down the government. This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating.” – David Letterman
“A CNN poll showed that the Congress approval rating is done to 10 percent. That still doesn’t seem low enough. Do one out of 10 people really approve of the job Congress is doing? And who are these people? I want to work for them.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Why isn’t the president telling Congress that shutting down the government is bad? And why won’t he tell them the stove is hot? Boehner keeps burning his hand over and over again.” – Stephen Colbert
“Do you understand this whole government shutdown thing? I mean, I know it’s about President Obama’s health care plan, but the Republicans are the ones making us bend over.” – Jay Leno
“When you sign up for Obamacare you choose between the bronze program, the silver program, the gold program, and the platinum program. If you sign up for the platinum, you actually get to drive the ambulance.” – David Letterman
“People are mad at Congress because of the shutdown. According to a new poll, 69% of Americans say that House Republicans are acting like children. I think they may have a point because when asked about it, Republicans said, ‘Ha ha you said 69’.” – Conan O’Brien
“This is unbelievable. The government is shut down. Even Al Qaeda couldn’t do that. Do you realize that?” – Jay Leno
“Fox News has started calling the government shutdown a ‘government slimdown’. Also according to Fox News, none of the government workers have been furloughed, they just went to go live on a farm.” – Conan O’Brien
“And as you know, all nonessential employees were sent home – like President Obama’s economic team.” – Jay Leno
“People have events in the national parks and they’re canceled because of the shutdown. There was a KKK rally scheduled to be held in a national park that was canceled. This was bad news for the KKK but good news for the park’s black bears.” – Conan O’Brien
“To all of you non-essential employees who have been forced out of your job: I work for NBC. I know how you feel.” – Jay Leno
“They say it’s a partial government shutdown, and I can remember something similar happened. It was like the government was shut down for eight years when Bush was president.” – David Letterman
“The government shutdown could cost the American economy $300 million a day. To put that in perspective, it would be like every day the economy released a new Lone Ranger movie.” – Conan O’Brien
“Because the government doesn’t have any money, NASA had to close a Twitter account that warns the public about asteroids. So if you’re someone who constantly checks Twitter to see if an asteroid’s coming – would an asteroid really make your life any worse?” – Jimmy Fallon
“So far the ones hit hardest by the government shutdown are tourists because all the national parks are closed. Where will people go for anonymous sex? We still have the airport bathrooms, but that’s only for Senators, and we can’t all use that.” – Craig Ferguson
“And because of the shutdown, even the Smithsonian Institute is closed. And as a result, tourists who come to Washington and want to see historical relics… they’re now being sent to John McCain’s office.” – Jay Leno
“Senator Ted Cruz announced he’s donating his paycheck during the shutdown to charity. Well, the charity is called Ted Cruz for President.” – Conan O’Brien
“The government shutdown – no one knows when the government will be back up and running. So if you’ve ever wanted to cut the tag off your mattress, do it now.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A lot of Republicans are hoping Democrats will eventually give in. I’m not so sure. If you’re waiting for Nancy Pelosi to blink, it may be awhile. I don’t know if it’s technically possible.” – Craig Ferguson
“Several bars in Washington, D.C., are offering discounts on drinks to federal workers affected by the government shutdown. Or as people who aren’t federal workers put it, ‘I’m a federal worker’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Because of the government shutdown, President Obama has had to scale back his planned trip to Asia. Now Obama’s just going to cross the street and eat lunch at a Panda Express.” – Conan O’Brien
“You can see the effects of the shutdown all over town. It’s terrible. President Obama now down to just one teleprompter – that’s how bad it is.” – Jay Leno
“It is so bad the animals at the National Zoo are being auctioned off to HomeTown Buffet. That’s how bad it is.” – Jay Leno
“It is so bad Iran will now be forced to negotiate with Dennis Rodman. That’s how bad it’s gotten.” – Jay Leno
“It’s hurting everybody. In fact, Nancy Pelosi and John Kerry are now being forced to use the same Botox needle. That’s how bad it’s gotten.” – Jay Leno
“At the TSA, they’re making passengers fondle and grope themselves. That’s how bad.” – Jay Leno
“It is so bad a lot of government workers are now watching reruns of Breaking Bad just to get the meth recipes. That’s how bad it’s gotten.” – Jay Leno
“It is so bad John Boehner can’t afford tanning cream anymore. He’s just rubbing his face with Cheetos dust. That’s how bad.” – Jay Leno
“It is so bad Harry Reid has been forced to change his own embalming fluid. That’s how bad it’s gotten.” – Jay Leno
“Russian president Vladimir Putin has been named a candidate for this year’s Nobel Peace Prize. His chances of winning are good because his strategy is to have the other nominees killed.” – Conan O’Brien
