“The Arizona legislature passed a bill that would allow business owners asserting their religious beliefs to deny service to gay customers. Some businesses have already put up signs that read ‘Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service’.” – Seth Meyers
“The Winter Olympics wrapped up in Sochi last night. So goodbye, men in leotards. We’ll see you again in four years.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Russians finished up with a win in their favorite sport, the biathlon. What a country. They love biathletes, but they hate bi-athletes.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Winter Olympics in Sochi wrapped up yesterday. Canada beat Sweden for the gold medal in men’s hockey. People in Canada were going crazy. They spent all night knocking over cars, and then picking them back up and leaving a nice note.” – Jimmy Fallon
“While celebrating Canada’s defeat over Sweden in men’s hockey, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford walked into a fire hydrant, injuring his groin. It’s really saying something when this is the least embarrassing thing Rob Ford has done all year. It’s almost presidential for Rob Ford.” – Seth Meyers
“The Sochi Olympics are over. Russia ended up with the most gold medals. Russian athletes said, ‘We played like our lives were on the line because our lives WERE on the line.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Russia ended up with 33 medals. Only six of those were stolen by Putin.” – David Letterman
“Speaking of medals, the United States hockey team had no trouble getting through the airport metal detector.” – David Letterman
“Anybody see the closing ceremonies of the Olympics from Sochi? I thought Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did a great job.” – David Letterman
“In a moving moment at the end of the closing ceremonies, the giant Olympic flame was extinguished by a pack of wild dogs from Sochi.” – David Letterman
“The Winter Olympics are finally over. They handed out all the medals and all the whippings, and the athletes are now leaving town before Vladimir Putin uses the Olympic flame to burn down Sochi for the insurance money.” – Stephen Colbert
“The president of the Ukraine, Viktor Yanukovych, was ousted in a major uprising this weekend. This could be bad for Vladimir Putin because a lot of people think he and Yanukovych were friends. I guess that’s why today Putin said, ‘We weren’t REAL friends. Just Facebook friends.” – Jimmy Fallon
“CNN is canceling Piers Morgan’s talk show. Yes, it’s been 238 years since the Declaration of Independence, but it still feels good telling the British guy to get out.” – Craig Ferguson
“Larry King has offered to come back and replace Piers Morgan. Well, technically it wouldn’t be ‘coming back’. He’s been living under the desk for the last three years.” – Craig Ferguson
“A Florida man is running for Congress as a write-in candidate at the age of 101. He has a good chance of appealing to younger voters since that’s all there is.” – Seth Meyers
