“Yesterday the House of Representatives voted to sue President Obama for abusing his executive powers. Experts are calling this a meaningless political stunt that’s a huge waste of taxpayer money, while Congress is saying, ‘Yep. That’s what we do.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The House voted 225-201 to sue President Obama. That’s the bad news. The good news is that Congress actually passed something.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Congress is now getting ready to take a month off. From what?” – David Letterman
“Congress will take the whole month of August off. From what, exactly, I don’t know.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today marks the last day before Congress takes its summer recess. They’re taking five weeks off. Five weeks. I hope they can get used to doing nothing.” – Seth Meyers
“When Congress adjourns for the summer. It’s a tradition that dates back to a time when Congress actually did things.” – Bill Maher
“Members of Congress need to recharge their batteries for another year of gridlock.” – David Letterman
“Congress is about to head off on their August recess, which seems appropriate. Adults go on vacation, children go on recess.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sometimes you wonder about these guys in Congress. Are they there at all?” – David Letterman
“A new study says that Republicans are more religious than Democrats. But I don’t think that includes President Obama praying every day for his term to end.” – David Letterman
“Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg told reporters that despite her age she does not plan on retiring and is likely to remain on the court for a while – after which she was immediately traded to the New York Knicks.” – Seth Meyers
“North Korea has opened a summer camp where kids from around the world can swim, play volleyball, and learn about the country’s culture. It’s the first camp in history where kids tell ghost stories to feel safer.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I read that PETA is now saying they’ll pay off people’s water bills if they agree to go vegan for 30 days. Or in other words, you can get PETA to pay off your water bill if you can lie for 30 days.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is facing criticism for accidentally showing the phone numbers of his supporters in a new campaign commercial. In response, people said, ‘No biggie — I gave him a fake number, anyway.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Right now, available only in San Francisco, is an app where you can get marijuana delivered right to your door. Whoever pairs this with a pizza delivery app probably will get the Nobel Prize.” – Jimmy Kimmel
