“Missouri Governor Jay Nixon apparently sent the National Guard to Ferguson without letting the White House know first. When he heard he was left out of such an important decision, Obama said, ‘Holy crap, I’ve been Bidened!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday Egypt’s foreign ministry called on the United States to show respect for the rights of protesters in Ferguson, Missouri. Yeah, Egypt said that. Man, talk about living in glass pyramids.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Disneyworld has become a popular location for Republican fundraisers. A favorite activity is to ride through It’s a Small World and deport most of the dolls.” – Conan O’Brien
“Rick Perry, what a good-looking guy he is. As a requirement for being a Republican candidate for president, you have to look good in a mug shot. I hope this doesn’t ruin his chances of being our next dumb president from Texas.” –David Letterman
“Texas Governor Rick Perry has been charged with two felonies. Yesterday, after he got his mug shot, he went out for ice cream – or, as Mayor Rob Ford calls it, multi-tasking.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Chris Christie says he believes in Rick Perry’s honesty and integrity. Then, he said, ‘Pass me some of that ice cream!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Anthony Weiner is opening a restaurant. Honest to God, how many of you — other than losing a bet, how many of you would go to have a meal at Anthony Weiner’s restaurant? Plus it’s a drive-thru. You pull your car up, you roll down your window, and you scream your order right into his fly.” – David Letterman
“Happy birthday to former President Bill Clinton. He turned 68 today, or as he calls, ‘one away from the fun one.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday was Bill Clinton’s birthday. Hillary yelled surprise, and out of habit, Bill yelled, ‘I can explain.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton is returning to Iowa next month for the first time since her failed presidential run in 2008. Hillary denies just being there for politics. She said, ‘I love Iowa for their … OK, I’m running for president.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Analysts say that President Obama has been ignoring Hillary Clinton’s advice for years – which is why we’ve yet to see him in a pantsuit.” – Conan O’Brien
“‘Meet the Press’ has fired host David Gregory and hired another guy, Chuck Todd, to host. To me, if your name is Chuck Todd, it might as well be David Gregory. Todd Chuck, Gregory David, it makes no difference. They’re all interchangeable.” – David Letterman
