“President Obama will attend a NATO summit in Wales this week with 67 other world leaders. He’s trying to project strength, so the White House says he’ll be wearing his toughest shade of tan suit.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama will be at a NATO summit, where he will discuss the recent actions of Vladimir Putin, who wasn’t invited. Then Putin said, ‘Has that ever stopped me before?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vladimir Putin said today he hopes to have a Ukrainian peace deal by Friday. He’s reached out the olive branch. And if there’s no peace deal by Friday, Putin said, ‘I will crush Ukraine like bug under boot.'” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama is back on the job, and he’s visiting Estonia. He said he wanted to be there before Russian tanks rolled in.” – David Letterman
“Apple is sprucing up the iPhone. Tomorrow you can get the new iPhone 6. The iPhone 6 is a lot like President Obama’s hair. Every year it’s lighter and thinner.” – David Letterman
“Apple plans to launch a mobile wallet to replace credit cards. That’s good because if there’s one company you want to trust with your money, it’s the company that leaked your nude photos.” – Conan O’Brien
“A survey showed that 71 percent of Americans do not believe Washington should drop the name of their team – the Redskins. Also, most Americans believe that New York should just drop the Jets altogether.” – David Letterman
