“Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign announced that it raised over $1.5 million in the 24 hours after he announced his bid. Meanwhile, a 12-year-old on Kickstarter just raised $7 million in five minutes after announcing his idea for juice box water guns.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today Carly Fiorina announced that she is running for president. Someone else bought ‘CarlyFiorina.org’ and posted 30,000 sad emoticons to represent all the people she laid off at Hewlett-Packard. I haven’t seen that many sad, blank faces in one place since the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I read that as marijuana legalization becomes more popular, it could affect the jobs of drug-sniffing dogs. Or as those dogs put it, ‘Thanks, Bo Obama.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole.” – David Letterman
“Congrats to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday. The royal baby weighed eight pounds — or around 12 American dollars.” – Jimmy Fallon
