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Late Night Political Humor

“We are now 11 weeks away from the first Republican presidential debate. The debate will be held in a 300-seat theater, so there’ll be almost enough seats for all the candidates.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama broke a world record after he reached a million followers on Twitter in just five hours. The only guys not following Obama? His Secret Service agents. They lost track months ago.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In about 34 minutes David Letterman is going to air his last episode. In 1993, I took over his iconic late-night show. I was a complete unknown with no experience performing on TV. I was totally unprepared for that enormous job. I don’t think that could happen today. I don’t think the government would allow it.” – Conan O’Brien

“I was in way over my head, and with my hair that’s saying something.” – Conan O’Brien

“After four dreary months, out of the blue we got a message that David Letterman wanted to come on as a guest. Dave was the biggest thing on TV. He didn’t go on other people’s shows. It was like The Beatles asking Maury Povich if they could stop by and sing a couple of tunes.” – Conan O’Brien

“I’ll be honest with you. It’s beginning to look like I’m not going to get ‘The Tonight Show’.” – David Letterman

“I’m your host, Jimmy Fallon, and I want to thank you for watching this on your DVR after you watched Letterman.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This morning my dad called me up and said, ‘So, tonight’s your last show, huh.’ And I said, ‘No, Dad, that’s someone else.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Do you know what I’m going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.” – David Letterman

“Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He’s a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter.” – David Letterman

“When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, ‘That show doesn’t have a chance.’ The other half said, ‘That show doesn’t have a prayer.'” – David Letterman

“Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was ‘Keeping Up With the Gabors.'” – David Letterman

“My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar’s Palace with our white tigers.” – David Letterman

“I have no illusions anyone is watching me this evening. But if there happen to be a few of you out there, I’m going to let you know the exact moment when Dave’s show is starting, and I’d like you to switch over. I may be talking to seven viewers at that time, but I really think you should do it.” – Conan O’Brien