“Pope Francis wrapped up his trip to the U.S., and while he was in Philadelphia, the Pope visited a prison. He said he couldn’t believe how dirty and overcrowded it was, then his assistant said, ‘This is just the Amtrak station, we haven’t gotten to the prison yet.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“People went absolutely gaga for the Pope. In Philadelphia yesterday Pope Francis met with a family that had driven 13,000 miles from Argentina just to see him. It was an awkward moment when the Pope said, ‘I guess no one told you guys, I’ll be in Argentina next week.'” – Conan O’Brien
“After almost a week of very intense waving at people, Pope Francis is back home in Rome. It was nice to see Americans get excited about someone who wasn’t a Kardashian or a rat with a slice of pizza.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama is in town for the U.N. General Assembly. And tomorrow, he plans to meet with the president of Kazakhstan, Nursultan Nazarbayev. Or as Obama will call him, ‘Uh … hey, chief!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Russian President Vladimir Putin also addressed the U.N. General Assembly today. Unfortunately he addressed them as ‘My future Russians.'” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary Clinton went on ‘Meet the Press’ yesterday, and I saw that Chuck Todd actually showed her a video of all the times she’s flip-flopped on issues. At first Hillary said she felt bad about it, but now she says she feels OK about it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hillary Clinton is by far the favorite to win the Democratic nomination even though her presidential campaign has had more than its share of bumps in the road, from the Benghazi controversy to her private email server to the persistent allegation that she’s less charismatic than a 70-year-old socialist who doesn’t own a phone.” – Stephen Colbert
“According to The Washington Post, when Clinton ran for president in 2008, she was 5’5′ according to a height report from the Clinton campaign. But now, news sources say Hillary Clinton is 5’7′ tall. Hillary Clinton has added two inches. This couldn’t be one of those classic cases where a woman hits her 60s and suddenly gets taller.” – Stephen Colbert
“This sensation over Hillary’s elevation might be the thing that finally takes her down, or up. We don’t know at this point.” – Stephen Colbert
“Hillary says she opposes Keystone XL, but maybe she’s holding out for XXL.” – Stephen Colbert
“If Hillary continues to grow, think how big she’ll be when she finally reaches the Oval Office. We won’t have to worry about Iran because mega-Hillary can swat missiles out of the sky!” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump is still going strong. We all thought that was going to last a couple of weeks and we’d all have a good chuckle, but it continues. On ’60 Minutes’ last night, Donald Trump called for a tax hike on wealthy Americans. As a result, Donald Trump said he can no longer support Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new poll by The Wall Street Journal has found that Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson are running virtually neck and neck. While Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz are running without necks.” – Seth Meyers
“Jeb Bush said last week that Democrats often win the black vote because they tell people ‘we’ll take care of you with free stuff.’ Whereas Democrats actually win the black vote because Republicans keep saying stuff like that.” – Seth Meyers
“Today, NASA announced that it has finally discovered water on Mars. When they heard, Americans were like, ‘Eh, tell us when they discover beer.'” – Jimmy Fallon
