‘Donald Trump went on a rant about how horrible socialism is. But you know what, isn’t Trump’s hair socialism? It’s the richer hair covering the poorer hair for the good of the head.’ – Bill Maher
“Donald Trump is now saying that his immigration policies would have prevented 9/11. Trump is also claiming his hair would have kept the Titanic afloat.” – Conan O’Brien
“Jeb Bush’s campaign announced yesterday that it raised over $13 million last quarter, which means it’s doing better than most of the other major campaigns. Or as Jeb put it, ‘Crap. What do I gotta do to lose this thing?!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Jeb Bush’s campaign has a contest now where someone will be flown to Houston to meet him, his dad, and his brother. No word on what the winner gets.” – Conan O’Brien
“Actually, I saw that Jeb Bush’s campaign has been staying at cheaper hotels to save money. Which would make Jeb the first politician ever to book a room at a cheap motel just to sleep.” – Jimmy Fallon
“At the debate on Tuesday Democratic candidate Lincoln Chafee bragged about the fact that in 30 years of public service, he’s never had one scandal. Well, it just came out that Chafee once used taxpayer money to buy frogs for his office aquarium. People said, ‘Well at least it wasn’t a sex scandal.’ And Chafee said, ‘Riiiight…'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A high school student hacked the AOL email account of John Brennan, the director of the CIA. In other words, the student correctly guessed that the password of anyone still using AOL is ‘password’.” – Conan O’Brien
“While accepting the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, Eddie Murphy did a Bill Cosby impression. Murphy’s Cosby impression was so accurate, nine women are suing him.” – Conan O’Brien
