“We have Bill Gates on the show tonight. We wanted to have a soft-spoken, thoughtful billionaire who is trying to make the world a better place, but since Donald Trump wasn’t available — we went with Bill.” – Jimmy Fallon
“At a rally in Las Vegas last night Donald Trump told supporters he’d like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face.” – Seth Meyers
“Today is the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump is projected to win. When asked why they’re voting for him, Americans said, ‘We’re used to doing things in Nevada that we’ll regret tomorrow.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump was heavily favored to win. Not just by Donald Trump, by other people too.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump is actually doing very well in Nevada. That’s right, Trump appeals to Nevada’s key demographic — people who’ve declared bankruptcy.” – Conan O’Brien
“It was a big day for Donald Trump yesterday, the Nevada caucuses took place. Voting in the state of Nevada is a little different. In Nevada you pull the lever first and then you find out who you voted for. It is more exciting.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are in a fierce battle for second place. Ted Cruz is very ‘Trumpy’ lately. He just released an ad promising to sell off or give away all of Nevada’s public lands, national parks, forests and monuments, which is a great idea if you’re a cult leader or the founder of a polygamist sect. If you’re a citizen, maybe not.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Ted Cruz’s dad said that God sent a message to Ted Cruz’s wife giving his permission to run for president. Though I’m not sure that’s what God meant when he told Cruz’s wife, ‘Run!!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Ted Cruz said on ‘The O’Reilly Factor’ that if he is elected, he would not allow aliens to return. Cruz says he is so strict on immigration, if he is elected president, he will even deport himself back to Canada.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Meanwhile, Ben Carson held a town hall event at a casino in Reno, and despite polling in last place, he said it’s too early to give up. Even the old ladies sitting at the slot machines said, ‘This is just depressing’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“We’re now a week away from the Super Tuesday primaries and Ben Carson’s so excited he barely got 14 hours of sleep last night.” – Seth Meyers
“In a recent interview, Ben Carson said President Obama couldn’t identify with black Americans because he was ‘raised white.’ So if you’re keeping score, according to Republicans, President Obama was raised white as a Muslim in Kenya.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama today announced plans to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. It’s a pretty simple plan, really. He’s going to put a RadioShack sign on it.” – Seth Meyers
“President Obama has unveiled his plan to finally shut down Guantanamo Bay. And to make sure no one ever goes in there again, Obama is handing it over to the people who run RadioShack.” – Conan O’Brien
“Meanwhile, the Democrats have a primary in South Carolina this weekend and Bernie Sanders, who has had trouble attracting African-American voters, just got a high-profile endorsement from Spike Lee. Spike Lee taped a radio ad and just threw a garbage can through Hillary Clinton’s pizzeria window.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Yesterday, a group of more than 20 unions released a statement supporting Hillary Clinton for president, including the Bricklayers Union. Then Donald Trump was like, ‘Et tu, wall builders?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump said as president he would prosecute Hillary Clinton for using a private email server. He also said he would arrest Hillary Clinton for being a woman over 40.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton recently visited the set of the hit ABC show ‘Scandal.’ Is that really the show you should be visiting right now? Why not drop by the set of ‘I Did Nothing Wrong,’ or maybe ‘There Was Nothing Illegal in Those Emails!'” – Seth Meyers
“The Cuban government recently returned a missing U.S. missile that was sent to Europe for training, but was accidentally shipped to Cuba. So the good news is that the missile was returned to America. But the bad news is THAT CAN HAPPEN!” – Jimmy Fallon
