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Late Night Political Humor

“Chris Christie stood right behind Trump at his victory speech last night and a lot of people noticed that Christie didn’t look too happy about it. Christie’s face is basically America’s face. It’s like: It’s really happening?” – Jimmy Fallon

“The biggest story yesterday wasn’t about Trump or Clinton victories. It was Chris Christie’s face during Donald Trump’s victory speech. He looks like he had amnesia for a week and just remembered who Donald Trump was.” – James Corden

“Following his endorsement of Donald Trump, Chris Christie’s approval numbers in his home state of New Jersey have hit their lowest point. But hitting their highest point: his pants.” – Seth Meyers

“Chris Christie flew all the way to Florida to stand behind Donald Trump supporting him. Throughout the speech, he looks genuinely miserable. He looks like he saw the bottom of a supposedly bottomless pasta bowl at Olive Garden. He looks as though someone just told him butterscotch causes cancer.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Following his seven-state win in yesterday’s Super Tuesday primary elections, Donald Trump said during his victory speech that he is a ‘unifier’. Then he turned to Chris Christie and said, ‘Right, idiot?'” – Seth Meyers

“Yesterday Americans in 13 states voted in Super Tuesday. Making today ‘My God, what have we done?’ Wednesday.” – Stephen Colbert

“It was a critical Super Tuesday for the Republican Party. Donald Trump won seven states. Of course, the seven states that Donald Trump won were shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, and Alabama.” – James Corden

“You know how in high school sometimes the students will vote for the weirdest kid in class to be prom king as a joke, and then so many people get in on the joke, the kid actually becomes prom king? Well, anyway, Donald Trump won Super Tuesday.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A top official in Saudi Arabia said today that a Trump presidency would ‘set the world back centuries.’ The Saudi added, ‘Which is why Trump has our full support.'” – Conan O’Brien

“An analysis of Google shows that searches related to the phrase ‘How can I move to Canada’ spiked last night about 350 percent. Americans always threaten to move to Canada when a reality show host endorsed by the KKK becomes the Republican nominee.” – James Corden

“Dr. Ben Carson didn’t win any states last night, but don’t tell him. He slept through the whole thing. He released a statement today that he does not see a path forward to the presidency and will skip the debate tomorrow night. Was he at the last one?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sometimes we like to count how often a politician blinks while giving a speech. But with Ben Carson, it’s actually a lot more fun to count how many times he even opens his eyes.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Carson’s the first human to get 25 hours of sleep per day. I feel bad making fun of Carson, but it’s not like he’s gonna see it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Dr. Ben Carson dropped out of the presidential race after a dismal and ineffective campaign. He said, ‘The good news is, I’m ready to operate on your baby’s brain again!'” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night, Marco Rubio won his first state with a victory in the Minnesota primary. It was such a big night, Rubio’s parents let him stay up and watch the returns come in.” – Conan O’Brien

“On the Democratic side, the race is between front-runner Hillary Clinton and the senator from the great state of your liberal friends’ Facebook feed, Bernie Sanders. – Stephen Colbert

“Hillary Clinton had a big night, picking up victories in seven states. While speaking in Miami last night Hillary said, ‘I believe what we need in America today is more love and kindness.’ Then she added, ‘And I will crush anyone who won’t let me do it.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“During his speech on Super Tuesday, Bernie Sanders said, ‘I am so proud to bring Vermont values all across this country.’ Then Sanders said, ‘Now who wants to go antiquing?'” – Conan O’Brien

“During her victory rally last night, one of the things Hillary said was that she wants to build a ladder of opportunity. Then people in Mexico said, ‘Great, we’ll use it to climb over the other guy’s dumb wall.'” – Jimmy Fallon

Bernie won Vermont, Oklahoma, Minnesota and Colorado. But Secretary Clinton had a massive sweep of everything else. Low turnout meant a rough night for Sanders. ” – Stephen Colbert

“Evidently, a lot of people who were feeling the Bern got cooled down by some Preparation H.” – Stephen Colbert

“The Supreme Court had a power outage during one of its cases yesterday, and justices reportedly continued to ask questions in the dark. Questions like, ‘Whose hand is that?’ and ‘Well then whose hand is THAT?'” – Seth Meyers