[Jokes from May 25, 2016]
“A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cybersecurity. The report states that Hillary’s recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination.” – Conan O’Brien
“The State Department finally released their report on her use of a private email server. They found that she did not ask permission, and if she had, the answer would have been no. Which is one of the top reasons to not ask permission, by the way.” – Stephen Colbert
“Even when you do give Hillary Clinton a clear ‘no’, what she hears is, ‘Try again in eight years.'” – Stephen Colbert
“Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus blasted Hillary Clinton on Twitter for using ‘bad judgment’. Priebus said, ‘I haven’t seen judgment this bad since my parents named me Reince Priebus.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The Trump campaign is about to launch a secret plan to attack Hillary Clinton over the Whitewater scandal from the ’90s. We know he’s going to do this because they accidentally emailed the secret plan to a reporter. Which means that, shockingly, Hillary Clinton might be the candidate who’s second worst while using email.” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump is floating another conspiracy theory which suggests that Hillary Clinton is a murderer. Today Bill Clinton said, ‘Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The latest NBC/Wall Street Journal poll has found that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have nearly opposite results with rural voters compared to urban voters, with Clinton leading Trump by 25 percent in cities, and Trump beating Clinton by 31 percent in places where he wouldn’t be caught dead.” – Seth Meyers
“Trump won a primary last night. He got 76%. Kasich got 9.8%. Somehow Kasich is doing better since he dropped out.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The extremist militant religious group the Taliban has appointed a new leader. So congratulations, Ted Cruz!” – Conan O’Brien
“At a rally in California yesterday, Bernie Sanders said that if he winds up being the Democratic nominee, ‘Donald Trump is toast.’ Incidentally, ‘toast’ is also what Donald Trump’s tanning bed is set to.” – Seth Meyers
“President Obama signed legislation this week that replaced the term ‘Eskimo’ in all federal laws with the phrase ‘Alaska Native.’ ‘Fine, I’ll have seven Alaska Native pies,’ said Chris Christie.” – Seth Meyers
2 Comments
Why do they want to name Eskimos “Alaska natives”? Why not name them “Inuit” like everybody else?
Because only some of the “Alaska Natives” are Inuit. Others, like the Yupik, are not Inuit. We are talking about the wording of federal laws here, so precision is relatively important.