[Jokes from July 25, 2016]
“The theme for the Democrats today at the Democratic Convention is ‘United Together.’ Which really is the best way to be united. So much better than being united apart.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Hillary Clinton’s main task this week is to divert attention from leaked DNC emails and other negative press. Hillary’s going to begin her speech with the rousing first line — ‘Hey, Look, There’s a Pokémon!'” – Conan O’Brien
“Tonight was the start of the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, where today the temperature was over 100 degrees. As if Hillary Clinton needed another reason to sweat. She went through two pantsuits.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In fact, it was so hot Hillary met with some Bernie supporters just for the chilly reception.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a poll, 90 percent of Bernie Sanders supporters plan to vote for Hillary Clinton in November. The other 10 percent plan to put their hand down the sink and then turn on the disposal.” – Conan O’Brien
“After the Republican Convention last week, the DNC was supposed to be the boring one. It was quite the opposite. Every time Hillary Clinton’s name was mentioned there were boos from Bernie Sanders fans. Even Bernie had to ask his supporters to calm down. After a year of telling them not to calm down. It’s like Chef Boyardee telling people to take it easy on the ravioli.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Earlier tonight, Bernie Sanders spoke at the Democratic National Convention. Sanders’ speech was interrupted by dozens of applause breaks and three pee breaks.” – Conan O’Brien
“First Lady Michelle Obama spoke tonight on the first day of the Democratic National Convention, while Melania Trump furiously took notes.” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary Clinton introduced her new running mate Senator Tim Kaine at an event in Miami this weekend. She found Kaine while searching a stock photo database for ‘white businessman’.” – Seth Meyers
“President Obama appeared on Face the Nation this weekend and said of Hillary Clinton, ‘She’s not always flashy, and there are better speechmakers, but she knows her stuff.’ Man, I’d hate to see Obama set somebody up on a blind date. ‘She’s got one wonky eye and she talks too much, but you don’t wanna die alone, do ya?'” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump will be holding a Q and A session on the online message board Reddit during the Democratic Convention this week — though Trump’s Q and A will be unique in that he will both ask and answer the questions. ‘Am I the most handsome candidate in history? Interesting question, thanks for asking. I will say, a lot of people think so.'” – Seth Meyers
“We may be seeing more Trumps in politics. In fact, Donald Trump’s son, Donald Jr., told CNN he hasn’t ruled out running for mayor of New York next year. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton turned to Chelsea and said, ‘Clear your schedule.'” – Jimmy Fallon
