[Jokes from Aug. 25, 2016]
“Politico is now reporting that Hillary Clinton’s campaign is using a run-out-the-clock strategy against Donald Trump, hoping to just outlast him until November. ‘Sounds like a good plan,’ said Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush, and John Kasich.” – Jimmy Fallon
“On Saturday, Hillary Clinton will receive her first official intelligence briefing as a candidate. Officials plan to tell Hillary about threats to U.S. cybersecurity such as Russia, China, and her.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton had a phone interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper last night — and she HAD to do it by phone, because nobody could possibly lie to that face.” – Seth Meyers
“The leader of England’s Brexit movement spoke at a Trump rally and he said, ‘I wouldn’t vote for Clinton if you paid me.’ So in other words, Hillary has lost the critical ‘People Who Live in England’ vote.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton cited an old Mexican proverb in her speech in Nevada today to highlight the unchanging nature of Donald Trump. A Mexican proverb, or as Trump calls it, ‘A spell!'” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump’s campaign is now saying he didn’t change his immigration plan, he just changed the words he used to describe it. They also said Trump hasn’t been married three times, he’s just changed the person he calls ‘wife’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Trump will be the first president to make decisions by playing ‘Hot or Not’ with world leaders. Like, ‘Angela Merkel, not hot. Vladimir Putin, very hot.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Boston Globe just reported that according to his campaign staff, Donald Trump wouldn’t take any vacations as president. I think that’s because he has offended so many other countries he can’t leave this one.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new Earth-like planet has been discovered a few months before an election where Donald Trump could be president. If that’s not perfect timing, I don’t know what is.” –James Corden
“Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence tweeted six pictures of himself stopping to get a burger in North Carolina yesterday. Chris Christie was like, ‘OK, now he’s just rubbing it in.'” – Seth Meyers
