[Jokes from Sept. 26, 2016]
“Pundits are noting that this year’s group of debate moderators is the most diverse in history, featuring an African-American, two women, a Filipino, and an openly gay man. Trump was like, “I think I’ve heard this one before, but go ahead.'” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary Clinton has asked “Shark Tank’s” Mark Cuban to attend tonight’s debate. Trump was furious and said, ‘A billionaire reality star has no business being at a presidential debate.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Ahead of tonight’s debate, Hillary Clinton posted an article on Twitter pointing out that no living president has endorsed Donald Trump. Nice try, Hillary, but it just so happens that Vladimir Putin is living.” – Seth Meyers
“We all just watched Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton debate for an hour and a half. Coming into tonight’s debate, Democrats were divided between two strong emotions: panic and pants-crapping. Democrats have not been this nervous since Anthony Weiner asked to borrow their phone.” – Stephen Colbert
“Meanwhile, Donald Trump had to not commit murder — on camera.” – Stephen Colbert
“The experts said in order to win, Hillary Clinton had to project an image of competence, experience, wisdom, health, and vitality, without coming off as angry, bookish, or overbearing. Donald Trump had to not mention his penis.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In addition to costumes, they also banned balloons and drones. Which explains why Trump uninvited Chris Christie and Ben Carson.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The debate was moderated by NBC’s Lester Holt, which makes sense since he hosted “Dateline” and is used to two rich white people who want to murder each other.” – Stephen Colbert
“There were actually 1,000 people in the audience tonight and they were instructed not to applaud or cheer during the debate. As people watching were like, ‘What about sobbing? Can we quietly sob?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“After tonight’s debate, several Fox News analysts said that Hillary Clinton was the clear winner. So maybe global warming IS a hoax because hell has frozen over.” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary was so prepared, my new nickname for her is Preparation H. Yeah, it’s a compliment. In the primaries, she already proved she could ‘soothe the Bern’.” – Stephen Colbert
“Green Party candidate Jill Stein was escorted off the Hofstra University campus this afternoon after she tried to talk to reporters outside of tonight’s debate without proper credentials. As she was being dragged away by police she shouted, ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ and they said, ‘No. No one does.'” –Seth Meyers
