[Jokes from Oct. 20, 2016]
“Last night from Las Vegas, ‘Trump vs. Clinton 3’ — and just like that, we’re one step closer to never having to watch cable news again. It was the third most watched debate in history. More than 71 million people watched/screamed at their TV.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump needed a strong performance in the debate. His poll numbers have been dropping, and after last night, his only hope is that Michael J. Fox shows up in a time machine.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The big story of the debate was Donald Trump saying he might not accept the results of the election. Honestly, I didn’t know you could do that. I didn’t know you could just not accept things. If that’s the case, I’ve decided not to accept the results of my last acting audition.” – James Corden
“Last night, Trump said he was going to keep us in suspense. But today he said he ‘will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election — if I win!’ So in other words, no. No, right?” – James Corden
“At one point, Hillary Clinton even brought up how Trump said the Emmys were rigged because ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ never won one. Which means the Emmy Award is the only woman who Trump hasn’t grabbed.” – James Corden
“Now, probably the weirdest thing Trump said during the evening was when he was talking about immigration, saying we have some ‘bad hombres’ here. Bad hombres? First Melania Trump steals lines from Michelle Obama, now Trump is stealing lines from Clint Eastwood.” – James Corden
“‘Bad hombres’ doesn’t sound like drug dealers. ‘Bad hombres’ sounds like what TGI Friday’s would call their Tex-Mex appetizer platter.” – James Corden
“‘Bad hombres’ sounds like the Spanish-language version of ‘Grumpy Old Men’. ‘Bad hombres’ sounds like a gift shop in the Old West part of Disneyland.” – James Corden
“‘Bad hombres’ sounds like a tequila that you buy by the gallon for $4. ‘Bad hombres’ sounds like the theme song to the Mexican version of ‘Cops’.” – James Corden
“Clinton and Trump are at a dinner together, the Al Smith Dinner, a charity event thrown annually by the Catholic Archdiocese of New York. It has become a tradition for the candidates to show up and tell jokes, like a roast. Tonight Hillary and Donald are one seat apart with Cardinal Timothy Dolan sitting between them, like an unhappy couple hoping to get their marriage annulled.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump is not a self-deprecating guy. A lot of people believe the reason he got into politics is because President Obama roasted him at the White House Correspondents Dinner. If the cardinal starts making fun of him, he might try to run for Pope.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“So, how did we get to the point where the fate of the American experiment rests in Donald Trump’s tiny, whining, loser hands?” – Stephen Colbert
“Of course, Hillary also had her moments. Here’s what she said about her tax plans: ‘We are going to go where the money is.’ And she knows where the money is. It’s where she gives her speeches.” – Stephen Colbert
