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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jan. 10, 2017]

“Tonight on all the channels President Obama gave his farewell speech. It’s the Obama speech that Republicans have been looking forward to.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama said while he was preparing the speech, he said ‘I’m thinking about this as a chance to say thank you for an amazing journey’ — sounds to me like someone’s been watching ‘The Bachelor’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Music streaming app Spotify today offered President Obama a job as ‘President of Playlists’. And they say America isn’t racist – white ex-presidents get offered jobs as corporate lobbyists and they ask the black guy if he wants to be a DJ.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama gave his farewell address tonight in Chicago and thousands of people waited outside in freezing temperatures to get tickets. Now those people have a week to get over their pneumonia before they lose their health insurance.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Republican Senator Rand Paul said that this week he will introduce a GOP replacement plan for Obamacare. The new comprehensive health initiative will be called ‘Don’t Get Sick’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rumors are circulating that Hillary Clinton could run for mayor of New York City later this year. While Bill could run to be the next ‘Naked Cowboy’ in Times Square.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary and Bill Clinton announced that they are going to attend Donald Trump’s inauguration next Friday. Trump was really excited when he heard because they’re the first celebrities that said they’ll actually go. Even more awkward, she’s sitting right next to Putin.” – Jimmy Fallon

“CNN is reporting that the Russians have disgusting and damaging information about Donald Trump. Apparently, the Russian report on Trump contains ‘everything we already know’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Eric Trump recently said that the Trump Organization will ‘probably not’ pursue business deals in Russia in the next few years. They’ll also ‘probably not’ tell us if they do.” – Seth Meyers

“Today on Capitol Hill, Trump’s pick for attorney general, Jeff Sessions, was grilled by senators during the first confirmation hearing of the Trump administration. Sessions is a controversial pick. For instance, in the past, he’s been a vocal opponent of marijuana legalization. At one point he said, ‘Good people don’t smoke marijuana.’ That dude needs to chill out and smoke some marijuana.” – James Corden

“After past accusations of racism, attorney general nominee Senator Jeff Sessions said today, ‘I abhor the Klan and its hateful ideology.’ Though he refused to answer the follow-up question, ‘Ku Klux or Wu Tang?'” – Seth Meyers

“Another controversial moment was in 1986, when Sessions was accused of racism while up for a federal judgeship. Sessions responded, ‘I am not a racist. I am not insensitive to blacks.’ And as everyone knows, the best way to prove you’re not a racist is to use the term ‘blacks’.” – James Corden

“Donald Trump appointed his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, as White House senior adviser. I bet when they first met, Trump was like, ‘What are your intentions with my daughter?’ Kushner was like, ‘I’ll be honest. I’m just sleeping with her to get close to you.’ And Trump was like, ‘Nice’.” – James Corden

“On Twitter, porn actress Jenna Jameson bashed Meryl Streep for her Golden Globe speech. Wow, it’s going to be awkward the next time Jameson and Streep do a movie together.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s being reported Yahoo might be changing its name to Altaba. The announcement was made so people could get a jump start on saying, ‘You’re still using Altaba?'” – Conan O’Brien


One Comment

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    Friday, February 10, 2017 at 9:01 am | Permalink