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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Feb 23, 2017]

One of the big stories everyone’s talking about is the immigration debate. Pope Francis has actually been tweeting Bible references that oppose President Trump’s travel ban. You know you’re doing something wrong when you’re getting cyber bullied by the Pope. – Jimmy Fallon

The NYPD sent out a message today telling residents that despite President Trump’s executive order, New York City will remain a safe place for all immigrants. “I’m counting on it,” [shows photo of Melania Trump] said one immigrant. – Seth Meyer

Apple is criticizing Trump after he overturned the rule that lets transgender students use the bathroom of their choice. Apple says that regardless of your gender, everyone should be able to drop an iPhone into whichever toilet they want. – Jimmy Fallon

This was controversial, even within the administration. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos initially resisted signing off on it because of the potential harm that rescinding the protections could cause transgender students. But Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who has opposed expanding transgender rights, pushed DeVos to relent. “Aw, come on, Betsy, they won’t let me discriminate against black people. Just give me this one.” – Stephen Colbert

White House press secretary Sean Spicer yesterday denied that the administration’s order revoking LGBT protections sparked a disagreement between Attorney General Jeff Sessions and Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. Spicer also denied that he got his job after putting a quarter in a machine and whispering, “I wish I were big.” – Seth Meyer

According to the administration this wasn’t about persecuting any group; it was strictly a legal concern [clip of Sean Spicer]: “The president has maintained for a long time that this is a states’ rights issue.” Oh, grow a pair! Is there a more cowardly phrase than “this is a states’ rights issue?” “Honey, do you like my new haircut?” “Uh, I’m gonna leave that decision up to the states.” – Stephen Colbert

This isn’t the only Obama action Trump’s rolling back. He’s going to repeal the Affordable Care Act, rescind environmental protections — he’s already replaced Michelle’s vegetable garden with a sandbox full of onion rings. – Stephen Colbert

The Conservative Political Action Conference kicked off today. This is a huge convention that Republicans attend, and this year they’ll have guest speakers like Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump. It’s basically two days of speeches followed by 19 days of fact checking. – James Corden

During the convention today, Kellyanne Conway shot back at her critics, saying it turns it out there are a lot of women who just have a problem with women in power — says the lady who lied for a year to make sure a woman didn’t become president. – James Corden

There are rumors that Russia’s compiling a psychological profile on Trump to help Putin get inside his head. You know, it’s so hard to get Trump to open up and talk about himself. He keeps a lot of stuff private. – Jimmy Fallon

John McCain actually praised Trump’s new national security adviser, H.R. McMaster, calling him an outstanding choice and a man of genuine intellect, character, and ability. Then Trump said, “In that case, forget it. Get me Steven Seagal.” – Jimmy Fallon

A new report projects that by 2020 the legal marijuana industry will create more than a quarter of a million jobs for people to be late to. – Seth Meyer