[Jokes from Mar. 30, 2017]
The White House says President Trump will not throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game. Apparently Trump was afraid of hurting his tweeting arm. – Jimmy Fallon
Actually, they said Trump had to cancel because of a scheduling conflict. When asked if they could change the date of the game, the Nationals said, “We already did so he wouldn’t come.” – Jimmy Fallon
As of this afternoon, over 300,000 people have signed a petition calling for first lady Melania Trump to either pay for her own security costs at Trump Tower in New York, or move into the White House. Said Melania, “And who do I make the check out to?” – Seth Meyers
President Trump’s daughter Ivanka is going to have her own office in the White House. So finally, we’ve got a woman named Trump who actually wants to be in the White House. – Conan O’Brien
Ivanka Trump and Education Secretary Betsy DeVos visited the National Air and Space museum. Ivanka spoke to employees while Betsy played with the snow globes in the gift shop. – Jimmy Fallon
Michael Flynn, President Trump’s former national security adviser, announced today that he is willing to testify to the FBI on the Russian investigation in exchange for immunity. When she heard about this, Ivanka Trump picked up her box of belongings and started slowly backing out of the White House. – James Corden
Now, we don’t know the scope of the story yet. But it is not coming from Rachel Maddow so it could be important and real. – James Corden
Not only is Flynn willing to talk for immunity, he is also coming out with a new book, “The Art of the Squeal”. – James Corden
It’s come out that Russia probably tried to meddle with our election and may have tried to undermine the presidential campaign of Marco Rubio. In other words, Russia stepped back and did nothing. – Conan O’Brien
Today, Vladimir Putin denied meddling in our presidential election. Not helping was that Putin made the statement from behind the desk in the Oval Office. – Conan O’Brien
President Trump will meet with the president of China next week to discuss Trump’s claims about China’s unfair trade practices. Which means we’re about two weeks away from having to call these [fortune cookies] “freedom cookies”. – Seth Meyers
The Trump administration is making some changes to the White House website. We got a sneak preview to show you tonight. There’s a new section called “Insult Our Allies,” and it gives you the option to type in a country, then it shows you what Trump would tweet at them. Let’s see what happens when you type in France — a tweet that says, “French fries are overrated. Tater tots all the way. #MakeAmericaTateAgain.” – Jimmy Fallon
Scientists have proven that you can grow potatoes on Mars. When they heard this, half of America said, “Wait, a planet with no Trump and french fries? When do we go? Let’s get out of here! Let’s go!” – Conan O’Brien
Vice President Mike Pence today cast a tie-breaking vote to eliminate a rule that blocks states from defunding Planned Parenthood, because Mike Pence only approves of one type of birth control — his personality. – Seth Meyers
A Gallup poll has just been released that shows that Donald Trump’s approval rating has fallen to a historic first-year low of 35 percent. Or as Kellyanne Conway calls it, just one more example of Trump beating Obama. – James Corden
Hawaii’s TSA recently seized a so-called “stun cane” from a passenger that is capable of delivering a 1 million-volt shock. To get an idea of what a 1 million-volt shock feels like, just remember what it was like to wake up on Nov. 9. – Seth Meyers
