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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Apr. 25, 2017]

President Trump did an interview the other day where he said he never realized that being president was such a big responsibility. And somewhere far, far away, Hillary Clinton crushed the wine glass she was holding. – Jimmy Fallon

We’re creeping up on Donald Trump’s 100th day as president. Coincidentally, my 100th day on Xanax. – James Corden

Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was just vandalized again. As of tonight, police have narrowed down the list of suspects to 150 million people. – Jimmy Fallon

A company in Japan has created a device to help parents shut down their child’s smartphone if they use it too much. It’s meant for children ages 6 to 12 or the president of the United States. – Conan O’Brien

It was reported that President Trump spoke today at the Holocaust Museum, though Steve Bannon denies it. – Seth Meyers

President Trump spoke today at the National Holocaust Museum’s National Day of Remembrance. He reminded the crowd that we must never forget the 6 million people who attended his inauguration. – Seth Meyers

Top Republicans are now saying that Trump’s border wall doesn’t mean an actual wall, but a metaphor. Which makes sense, because during the campaign all those Trump supporters were shouting “build the metaphor, build the metaphor!” – Conan O’Brien

Trump is asking Congress to fund his border wall, and there might be a government shutdown if they don’t. Or as Trump put it, “Hear that? The wall hasn’t even been built, and it’s already a HUGE obstacle.” Amazing how quickly that happened! Bigly! – Jimmy Fallon

Every day, tensions are rising between the United States and our sworn enemy, Canada: Cold Mexico, the Great White North Korea. – Stephen Colbert

Trump hasn’t visited a single foreign country in his first 100 days, while Obama had visited nine. And today, Trump was like, “Quick, take me to Epcot! I need to bang out 10 countries ASAP.” – Jimmy Fallon

Since becoming president, Donald Trump has not left the country — he’s barely left the country club. But today, Trump sent Ivanka to Berlin to participate in a women’s conference, making her the first Trump to attend a women’s conference that didn’t include a swimsuit competition. – Stephen Colbert

Ivanka Trump was booed in Germany. Apparently she told the people of Berlin, “Why would you get rid of a perfectly good wall?” – Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka Trump, was booed at a women’s entrepreneurship summit in Germany on Tuesday when she described her father as “a tremendous champion of supporting families.” You know you’re on the wrong side of history when Germany’s booing you. – James Corden

When Ivanka was talking about her father and how he was a champion of family leave, she was met with groans and hisses from the audience. Well, that’s not fair. Trump obviously supports family leave. That’s why he’s always leaving one and starting another. – Stephen Colbert

In Germany, Ivanka Trump told a crowd that her father is a “champion of supporting families” and she got booed. Ivanka said she was surprised; she has always been told to open with a joke. – Conan O’Brien

Ivanka spoke on a panel titled “Inspiring Women: Scaling Up Women’s Entrepreneurship.” And the Trump family has a long history of inspiring women — to march, to sue, to flee from a dressing room. – Stephen Colbert

Stateside, they’ve had trouble moving Ivanka’s line of clothing, so they secretly relabeled it as Adrienne Vittadini. That’s how unpopular the Trump name is — her clothing has been put in the Witness Protection Program. – Stephen Colbert

Saudi Arabia has been named to the United Nations’ Commission on Women’s Rights. In a related story, Ireland has been named to the UN Commission on Sobriety and Tanning. – Conan O’Brien

The U.S. State Department has hired a female anchor from Fox News. However, the State Department described it as “more of a rescue mission.” – Conan O’Brien

The founder of Wikipedia recently announced plans for crowd-funded new website in the hopes it would combat the spread of “fake news”. But take that with a grain of salt, because I read it on Wikipedia. – Seth Meyers

A nature preserve in Kenya has set up a Tinder account to find a mate for its male white rhino. Then, today, the rhino revealed it would prefer to be on Grindr. – Conan O’Brien

Spirit Airlines has scored the lowest customer satisfaction rating in its industry for the third year in a row. Really? Lower than United? What does Spirit Airlines do when their flights are overbooked, just crash the plane into a mountain? – Seth Meyers


One Comment

  1. Ralph wrote:

    Here’s a good one:
    “Nicaraguan businessman friend: “A group of us will ask Ortega to sign Paris Accord. Being in same group w/Trump is so damn embarrassing.” – @ananavarro. (Ana Navarro is a Republican strategist. You may have seen her on one of the Sunday yak shows. “Nicaraguan by birth. American by choice.”)

    Friday, June 2, 2017 at 6:07 am | Permalink