[Jokes from Jul 25, 2017]
Today, Senate Republicans voted to move forward in the process to repeal and replace Obamacare, even though they don’t know what they’re going to be voting on. That’s like going into a hospital and telling the surgeon, “Surprise me! Just go for it!” – Jimmy Fallon
This afternoon, Republicans in the Senate narrowly won a vote on Obamacare. When I heard this news, I was bummed. And then I found out it was simply a vote to begin debating the future of Obamacare. Which raises the question — what the hell have they been doing this whole time?! – James Corden
That’s right, ahead of the healthcare vote, Senators were saying they had no clue what they’d be voting on. Then Americans said, “Hey — just like us during the election!” – Jimmy Fallon
Even dogs are like, “You got to stop chasing that tail! You’re looking stupid!” – James Corden
But people are still talking about this. Last night, President Trump gave a big speech at the Boy Scouts of America National Scout Jamboree. His healthcare bill won the award for “Scariest Campfire Story.” – Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday Donald Trump spoke at the National Boy Scout Jamboree. And it was horrific. During his speech, Trump told the Scouts that Health and Human Resources Secretary Tom Price would be fired if Congress doesn’t repeal and replace Obamacare. To which the Boy Scouts replied, “Dude, we’re ten.” – James Corden
The Girl Scouts have announced that they will offer 23 new badges focused on science, technology, engineering and math. While the Boy Scouts have announced they’re just gonna lay low for a while. – Seth Meyers
On the bright side, every Scout in attendance was able to earn his badge for “Listening to an old man bitch about his job.” – James Corden
President Trump spoke yesterday at the Boy Scout Jamboree and bragged about his election victory over Hillary Clinton. And every Scout in attendance earned the merit badge for eye rolling. – Seth Meyers
This morning, two senators were caught on a hot mic calling President Trump “crazy”. And when the news came out, literally every member of the Senate was like, “Wait, was it me?” – Jimmy Fallon
According to The Washington Post, President Trump is considering Ted Cruz as a replacement for Attorney General Jeff Sessions. And if you thought Jeff Sessions was bad, you were right. – Seth Meyers
And we’re still getting to know Trump’s new communications director, Anthony Scaramucci. I saw that his friends like to call him “the Mooch”. When Trump heard, he was like, “Great, now what am I gonna call Don Jr. and Eric?” – Jimmy Fallon
