“A huge snowstorm is set to hit Washington, D.C., and it’s being called the Snowquester. Democrats say it could be 10 inches, Republicans want it cut down to 2.” – Conan O’Brien
“A lot of people are worried about the effects of the budget cuts. The automatic budget cuts could lead to a huge drop in food inspections. So be careful if you eat at the Olive Garden; your meal may contain trace amounts of Italian food.” – Conan O’Brien
“If you need more proof that the president is no friend of Israel, just do the math. Back in 2007, President Bush supported Israel with $2.3 billion in foreign military aid. This year, President Obama wants to bring that down to just $3.1 billion. I know it looks like it’s going up, but remember: in Hebrew you read charts from right to left.” – Stephen Colbert
“It is Election Day. We’re going for a new mayor. At one point, our mayor was hanging around with Charlie Sheen. Everyone was wondering: Why would the most powerful guy in the city, a role model, and pillar of our community, want to hang around with the mayor?” – Craig Ferguson
“It’s been almost a decade since we’ve had a new mayor. It’s starting to seem like the mayor of Los Angeles was one of those jobs for life. Like Supreme Court judge, or host of ‘The Tonight Show’.” – Craig Ferguson
“Cardinals from all over the world are gathering in Rome to select the next Pope. You can watch the whole process on ‘Vatican’s Got Talent’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Jon Stewart has announced he will be taking the summer off from ‘The Daily Show.’ We wish him all the best in his new project: ruling the country of Venezuela.” – Stephen Colbert
