“As of today, same-sex couples may now legally get married in Vermont. So finally, finally, after years of waiting, we’ll get to hear these words out of Vermont: ‘I now pronounce you Ben and Jerry.'” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s great day for America, everybody. I’ll tell you why. Because, as of today in the state of Vermont, as of today, no going back now, same-sex marriage is legal in Vermont. It is only a matter of time before Ben marries Jerry.” – Craig Ferguson
“A spokesperson for Sarah Palin says she’s about 85% finished with her book which means that Sarah Palin is finished with her book.” – Conan O’Brien
“A political group is urging Dick Cheney to run for president in 2012. It’s a political group known as the Democrats.” – Conan O’Brien
“Of course, the healthcare debate is raging. And yesterday, John McCain spoke to nearly 100 doctors and nurses. It wasn’t a political meeting. It was McCain’s annual checkup.” – Conan O’Brien
“In preparation for the swine flu outbreak, colleges all over the country are warning students to avoid kissing, drinking games, and using drugs. College students have reacted to the news by immediately getting the swine flu.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, we went through this last year. Now they’re saying that the swine flu this year could be even worse. They’ve got to stop the spread of the swine flu so there’s a school in Long Island that is banning touching. No touching. Sounds like my honeymoon.” – David Letterman
“Meanwhile, in New York, Governor David Paterson has been busy for the last couple of weeks trying to shave off his beard. And he did it. He did it with Gillette’s new Seeing Eye Razor.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This makes Governor Paterson the first governor to get rid of his beard since former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey filed for divorce back in, I think, ’06.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Hey, you know who’s back in town? Eliot Spitzer. Former governor of New York Eliot Spitzer is back in town, and he’s going to run for governor again. He says he wants to spend less time with his family.” – David Letterman
“I read today that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is considering running for the Senate. In fact he’s already holding fundraisers: $500 for the full hour and $300 for a half hour.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Do you remember Governor Eliot Spitzer, the guy who pioneered the ‘Cash for Hookers’ program?” – David Letterman
“Things are getting tough for President Obama. Every day, he slips a couple of points in the approval. He’s now at 45 percent, mainly because of this healthcare thing. You know things are bad. Today, Bo refused to go to the vet if he had to use the public option.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I don’t know if you remember. We threw Gray Davis, the former governor, out of the office because he wasn’t running the state effectively enough. Now, we’re burning to the ground and holding garage sales on eBay to pay our bills. This is what we get for hiring cheap foreign labor.” – Jimmy Kimmel
