“It’s never enough for the media. They’re like children: ‘Mom, can I get a Paul Ryan?’ ‘I just got you a Rick Perry! And you already broke your Michele Bachmann. And before I get you anything else, where the fuck is your Ron Paul?’” – Jon Stewart “Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, […]
© Tom Tomorrow Yes, Michele Bachmann really did vow to drive gasoline prices to less than $2 per gallon if she is elected president. So either she does not understand how free markets work, or she is simply against them. She is hypocritically promoting government interference in a market even though she claims that the […]
“Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, ‘I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.’ In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, ‘Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.’” – Conan O’Brien “You want a president who would, in a rainstorm, grab […]
© Lee Judge Actually, I’m developing a new theory that many of the current Republican presidential candidates are running not because they think they can win (even the nomination, let alone the election), but because it gives them attention and/or money.
“Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn’t been this excited since she won last year’s ‘Who’s Crazier Than Sarah Palin’ contest.’” – Conan O’Brien “Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t […]
© Tom Toles This would explain much about the Republican strategy.
“The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn’t watch.” – Jay Leno “Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is.” – Jay Leno “Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He’s still in the race.” – Jay Leno […]
Jon Stewart asks, now that Obama is not defending the Defense of Marriage Act, why is he still enforcing it? Meanwhile, Rick Santorum puts his foot firmly in his mouth trying to defend DOMA.
“Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, ‘That’s ridiculous, and if you’ll excuse me, ‘Spongebob’ is on.’” – Conan O’Brien “President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous […]
“There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they’re doing it the hard way, without a soccer game.” – Jay Leno “Here’s what I don’t understand about rioting. If you’re going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? […]
“Newsweek used a photo to make Michele Bachmann appear crazy. That’s what her words are for.” – Jon Stewart “Michele Bachmann is on the cover of the latest issue of Newsweek. Did you see the picture? That’s when you know it’s bad, when even you look surprised you’re running for president.” – Jimmy Fallon “I […]
“The United States’ credit rating was downgraded to AA+. Am I the only one who thinks that doesn’t sound so bad?” – Jimmy Kimmel “Standard & Poor’s has lowered our credit rating to AA+, which means no one will lend us money or go to 2nd base with us.” – Conan O’Brien “S&P downgraded the […]
“We finally got a debt deal. It’s a jobs killer. It’ll bring back the recession. It didn’t do anything to fix the entitlements. The only bright spot was that Gabrielle Giffords came back to Congress to vote. And she must have been thinking, ‘I got shot in the head for this?’” – Bill Maher “In […]
This should be the new ad for E-Trade, after the last few days of the stock market:
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