“Karl Rove thinks we shouldn’t have Hillary Clinton in the White House because she fell and hit her head a couple years ago, spent three days in the hospital, and maybe she has brain damage. You know, I don’t recall the Republicans being this concerned with mental fitness during the years when Reagan was talking […]
“The earthquake damaged the Washington Monument. They had to do some sandblasting, had to have the graffiti removed, and then they filled in the cracks with some sort of sealant. It’s what they’re doing right now for Hillary Clinton.” – David Letterman ‘During his trip to the White House yesterday, Uruguay’s president said that more […]
“The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams.” – Conan O’Brien “The St. Louis Rams made history on Saturday by drafting […]
“The White House went on lockdown for the second time in three days after someone threw something over the fence. Security was like, ‘Sorry Hillary, you’re going to have to wait two and a half more years to move your stuff in. You can’t just toss it over the fence.’” – Jimmy Fallon “For the […]
“Here’s an update on our pal, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. In a new interview, Ford said that he’s enjoying rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then the counselors said, ‘Actually, this IS a football camp. You wandered in here last night at 3 a.m. Please leave.’” […]
“This weekend was the White House Correspondents Dinner. President Obama made fun of his low poll numbers, the botched Obamacare rollout, and Governor Chris Christie – while I was on the phone with Putin, negotiating a cease-fire in Ukraine.” – Jimmy Fallon “Vladimir Putin has signed a new law banning the F-word from movies. Now […]
“Tomorrow night, reporters and celebrities will attend the White House Correspondents Dinner. Of course, it’ll be awkward when the reporters from CNN just spend all night trying to find their table.” – Jimmy Fallon “The White House Correspondents’ Dinner is strange. The E! channel actually live-streams the red carpet. ‘Oooh, I hope the secretary of […]
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is apparently back smoking the crack. There is a picture of him smoking the crack and a videotape is out as well. Is there a videotape out there of him not smoking crack?” – David Letterman “Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced he’s taking a leave of absence to deal with issues […]
“The Republicans in Congress voted no on the minimum wage. Wow, that’s not the Republicans I know. I think they’re confused. We’re supposed to apply the economic sanctions to the Russians.” – David Letterman “Yesterday Russia’s deputy prime minister said the White House should revise its sanctions or else his country won’t help NASA. And […]
“L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling was recorded telling his girlfriend not to hang out with black people. Some people are actually defending Sterling, saying he has a very good record of hiring minorities. For instance, he always has at least one white guy on the team.” – Jimmy Fallon “The L.A. Clippers protested their owner’s […]
“The city of Chicago is building a new high school named after President Obama. I hear their student government isn’t that good, but the golf team is amazing.” – Jimmy Fallon “President Obama is in Japan. He’s over there visiting the Benihana Training Institute.” – David Letterman “President Obama is out of the country. Vice […]
“While he was in Japan today, President Obama visited a science museum, where he played soccer with a robot. Joe Biden is negotiating with the prime minister in Ukraine, and Obama is playing soccer with a robot. It’s like the White House version of ‘Freaky Friday’.” – Jimmy Fallon “President Obama is in Japan today. […]
“I am obsessed with your program in the same way that I’m obsessed with antibiotic-resistant superbugs or the Pacific garbage patch or the KFC Double Down. Because I just can’t believe that in this day and age, with all that we know, this shit is out there — that humanity, that our society, is still […]
“Happy Earth Day. Earth Day was founded in 1970. It’s the one day of the year we tell the Earth we love it. With the other 364 days we try to kill it.” – Jimmy Kimmel “Today is Earth Day. It’s the day we celebrate the ‘three Rs:’ Reduce, reuse, and, uh, Retweet? I don’t […]
Abortion Bush Campaign Finance Cheney Climate Clinton Congress Conservatives Corporations Corruption Deficits Democrats Drugs Economy Education Election Elections Energy Environment Fox News Gays Guns Health Immigration Lies McCain Media Middle East Obama Palin Protests Racism Religion Republicans Romney Spying Supreme Court Taxes Tea Party Terrorism Terrorists Torture Trump Unemployment War
