Political Irony

“Yesterday President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed. To make sure it closes quickly, they’re turning it into a Blockbuster Video.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence.” – Jay Leno

“Conservatives like me know that in a budget crisis, everything nonessential has to go — whether it’s food for kids who aren’t mine or some other stuff for people I don’t know.” – Stephen Colbert

“There’s now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you’re ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty.” – Jay Leno

“New reports say New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will not run for president in 2016 if Hillary Clinton does. In a statement, Hillary said that she appreciates the decision and the support. Then she added, ‘Because I would crush him’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by over two hours. Parents haven’t commented on the plan yet because they’re busy high fiving everyone they know.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that’s supposed to be good news.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Washington Wizards center Jason Collins just came out of the closet, making him the first pro athlete in a major sport to be openly gay. While the first openly gay wizard is still Dumbledore.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today Jason Collins, center for the Washington Wizards, announced he is gay. He said, ‘I don’t know what’s been tougher on my family, announcing I’m gay or announcing that I play for the Washington Wizards’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Collins is getting credit for being the first openly gay pro athlete. Or as Martina Navratilova put it, ‘Hello!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team sport to come out as gay. Do you know what a breakthrough this is? Finally an NBA player who won’t have any illegitimate kids.” – Jay Leno

“They are now reviewing prisons on Yelp. Although you do get your standard restaurant gripes, like ‘service took forever, was there for 25 years.” – Stephen Colbert

“There’s a trend now of prison inmates reviewing their prison on Yelp. The downside is that people are now committing crimes just to get the amazing fish tacos at Rikers Island.” – Conan O’Brien

“Supreme Court Justice Steven Breyer had shoulder surgery for an injury after he fell off his bike. It happened when the justice drifted a little too far to the left.” – Conan O’Brien

“We all know that if you look up Congress in the dictionary it says, ‘Do-nothing fucktards who couldn’t solve a problem if it was eating them alive anus first.” – Jon Stewart

“Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s the most beautiful woman alive, according to People magazine. I thought to myself, ‘Wow. Thank god, finally some hope for good-looking, thin blondes.’ Gwyneth, by the way, still has to be confirmed by Congress.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016.” – Jay Leno

“They had a big opening of the Bush Library down in Texas. All five living presidents were there. It was a once in a lifetime event – a library in Texas.” – Bill Maher

“I kid Texas, but the last person in that state to get near a schoolbook was Lee Harvey Oswald.” – Bill Maher

“It’s not just a library, it’s a museum. The exhibits are breathtaking. There’s a map of the world dartboard which Bush used to decide who to invade after 9/11; there’s the pants he peed in when he was told we were under attack; the pretzel he forgot to chew that made him pass out. And there’s a weapons of mass destruction pavilion, but no one can find it.” – Bill Maher

“Dick Cheney was there, and the New York Times said he looked physically revitalized. So if you find any dead animals on your porch who have been completely drained of blood, you know why that happened.” – Bill Maher

“They asked Barbara Bush, the matriarch of the family, whether Jeb Bush should run for president, and she said, ‘We’ve had enough Bushes.’ Enough? How about at least one too many.” – Bill Maher

“The United States Treasury announced that they will put into circulation a newly designed $100 bill in October. Of course, by that time, it should be worth about 50 bucks, but that’s OK.” – Jay Leno

“Do we really need a newly designed $100 bill? Hey, in this economy, most people don’t even remember what the old one looked like, all right?” – Jay Leno

“[The Boston Marathon bombers] only had one gun between them. Talk about not assimilating; you are in the United States for ten years and you only have one gun?” – Bill Maher

“The issue dear to my heart that may be affected is marijuana reform because the younger brother apparently was a big pot smoker, which, could explain why he chose as a get away vehicle a boat, that was on land.” – Bill Maher (on Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev)

“After he got away from the big shoot out he was trapped on a boat in the darkness, lying in his own waste. Or as we call it here, a Carnival Cruise.” – Bill Maher

“A new poll found that former congressman Anthony Weiner only has a 15 percent chance of winning the race for New York City mayor. Although in his defense, he’s a grower not a show-er.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Plans are being discussed in California to let illegal immigrants serve on juries. Talk about doing the jobs Americans don’t want to do! It’s all yours. Thank you.” – Jay Leno

“It’s not a federal holiday but today you’re supposed to take your son or daughter to work. For a lot of people it’s take your son or daughter to where you used to work. In China, kids take their parents to work.” – David Letterman

Obama was pretty funny this year. Conan, um, not so much.