Political Irony

“Today was a big day in Hollywood. The Oscar nominations were announced. ‘Lincoln’ leads the list with 12 nominations. This is a first – not the most nominations, but the first time Hollywood has ever voted for a Republican president. That is amazing.” – Jay Leno

“The 2013 Oscar nominations were announced today. ‘Lincoln’ earned the most nominations of any movie. 12 nominations for ‘Lincoln.’ I have a feeling that if he were alive today, Lincoln would say, ‘What is a movie?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, has never been hotter. ‘Lincoln’ received 12 Oscar nominations. ‘Lincoln’ also received a nomination for best hat.” – David Letterman

“President Obama’s inauguration is coming up. During next week’s inauguration, he will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles. Relax, Mr. President. We get it. You’re not a Muslim. You’re overcompensating.” – Conan O’Brien

“The White House announced today that the theme for President Obama’s second inauguration will be ‘Faith in America’s Future.’ The idea is to get our minds off of America’s present.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama recently came under fire over the lack of diversity in his cabinet. Then Obama said, ‘You guys know I’ll be there, too, right?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Prostitutes in Brazil have started learning English so they can communicate with out-of-town clients during the World Cup. They are learning key phrases like, ‘You are very handsome’ and ‘Nice to meet you, Mr. Sheen’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House announced that the theme for President Obama’s inauguration will be ‘Faith in America’s Future.’ Which is proof that no one in the White House has ever seen ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s team is promising special perks for donors who give at least a million dollars to the inauguration. Which is cool, but you know what else can get you a lot of perks? Keeping that million dollars.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today, the president hosted a screening of NBC’s White House comedy, ‘1600 Penn,’ which centers on a goofy guy who keeps embarrassing the White House. Or as Joe Biden put it, ‘Why’s everyone looking at me?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Make no mistake — they’re coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.” – Stephen Colbert

“Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.” – Stephen Colbert (on putting armed guards in schools)

“The Consumer Electronics Show is happening in Las Vegas and the most amazing gadgets are being talked about. One of the gadgets this year is a fork that tells you when you’re eating too fast. In a related story today, Chris Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to mind its own business.” – Conan O’Brien

“Chris Christie said to his fork, ‘Shut up or I’m going to switch to my friend — spoon.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. I believe that celebration is called ‘Cinco de Career-o.'” – Jay Leno

“The mayor is denying it. He said he only saw Charlie for a minute, but Charlie said he and the mayor had a wild time in Mexico partying with a number of hot women. Who are you going to believe — a party boy who has never done anything in his life or Charlie Sheen?” – Jay Leno

“No one’s talking about taking away ALL the guns. But now I get it, now I see what’s happening. So this is what it is. Their paranoid fear of a possible dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present. We can’t even begin to address 30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality, happening in this country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant against the rise of Imaginary Hitler.” – Jon Stewart

“What happened to the fiscal cliff? Are we on it or off it? Forget it. The debt ceiling is the brand new crisis. The fiscal cliff was just the warm-up, just for beginners, like a student film.” – David Letterman

“We’re $20 trillion in debt so somebody at the Treasury Department says that what we’ll do is print a coin for a trillion dollars. I’ve seen a prototype. It has a beautiful profile of Regis Philbin.” – David Letterman

“You can use the trillion-dollar coin to pay off the national debt, or it will help you get a Kardashian.” – David Letterman

“According to a new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice, Nickelback, and Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it’s being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback.” – Conan O’Brien

“A political opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he’s ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard.” – Conan O’Brien

“To celebrate his birthday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un sent two pounds of candy to every child in the country. Which explains why Honey Boo Boo has applied for dual citizenship.” – Jimmy Fallon

“What do you put on a trillion dollar coin? On the tail side obviously a bald eagle breathing fire while making love to the American flag. What is on the heads? Obama? Boehner? I’ll tell what you it should be, those Charmin bears – because when you pull an idea like this out of your ass, you’re going to need something soft.” – Stephen Colbert

“Today Democrats said they want another trillion dollars in taxes. Didn’t we just give them $620 billion last Wednesday? Is that gone already? Who is running this, ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’?” – Jay Leno

“Tickets to President Obama’s inauguration have sold out. At least that’s what the president is telling Joe Biden.” – Conan O’Brien

“Joe Biden and his wife left D.C. this weekend for a five-day vacation in the Caribbean. Of course, most of that time will be spent telling him that Margaritaville isn’t a real place.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chuck Hagel is the new secretary of defense nominee. They are saying that he may be reluctant to send troops into a war zone needlessly. What kind of a nut job is this guy?” – David Letterman

“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returned to work today and as a joke, her staff gave her a helmet. This is the second time a Clinton in government has been asked to wear protection.” – Conan O’Brien

“If you guys can’t vote for this, then we’re f*cked for the next few years. And I’m not saying you’re responsible for all the problems facing our country, but you sure are making them a lot harder to fix.” – Jon Stewart (to congressional Republicans who voted against Hurricane Sandy aid)

“This week Congress approved some version of the fiscal tax bill, which raises taxes on rich Americans. President Obama was determined to do this right away – while there are still some rich Americans left.” – Jay Leno

“While working on a deal to avoid the fiscal cliff, members of Congress spent New Year’s Eve at the Capitol. Yeah, even the guy watching the Twilight Zone marathon with his parents was like, ‘Talk about a lame New Year’s’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congress has approved some version of this fiscal cliff bill thing. Well, taxes are going up, and now, they’re looking to make cuts just about everywhere. In fact, oil companies today had to lay off 15 senators.” – Jay Leno

“Americans from all sides of the political spectrum seem to be upset about this fiscal cliff deal. Imagine how the Chinese must feel. It’s their money.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama signed the new fiscal cliff tax increase into law while vacationing in Hawaii today. He used an autopen, an electronic way of signing your name when you’re not even there. Politicians can now raise your taxes while they’re on vacation in Hawaii. This is a Democrat’s dream come true.” – Jay Leno

“The National Journal says Joe Biden maybe the most influential vice president in history. Is that really a compliment? Isn’t that like being the tallest hobbit?” – Jay Leno

“The National Journal says that Joe Biden may be the most influential vice president in history. Joe Biden got this exciting news while he was walking President Obama’s dog, Bo.” – Jay Leno

“Today, members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol. After which, they were like, ‘Well, that’s enough work for the year.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“John Boehner was re-elected speaker of the house, which is pretty amazing – a Republican winning anything these days.” – Jay Leno

“Today the Senate swore in a record 20 female senators. Yep, the women said they’re very excited, and look forward to proving they can accomplish just as little as male senators.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chris Christie also lashed out at Congress for doing nothing for the victims of Hurricane Sandy. But in their defense Congress says, ‘Hey, we don’t do anything for anybody.'” – Jay Leno

“Has anyone seen Al Gore’s Current TV? I don’t mean by mistake. I mean, who’s actually watched it? Well, Al-Jazeera has purchased Al Gore’s old TV network, Current TV. So it’s now owned by Al-Jazeera. And listen to this: $500 million. This is a little something Al Gore has come up with called ‘global fleecing’.” – David Letterman

“Al Gore’s Current TV has been sold to Al-Jazeera for a reported $500 million. Experts believe that Al-Jazeera overpaid for Current TV by approximately $500 million.” – Jay Leno

“Al Gore, Al-Jazeera; Al-Jazeera, Al Gore.” – David Letterman

“Al-Jazeera has some fabulous programming lined up. They’ve got a new show called ‘Storage Jihad’. They have ‘Project Burka’. And a show called ‘Real Virgins of Fallujah’.” – David Letterman