“I knew Obama was going to win. I knew this little secret. Use it next time there is an election and see if it doesn’t work out. The guy who wins the presidential election is usually the guy who kills bin Laden.” – David Letterman
“NBC News was the first to call the election for President Obama. ABC News was the first to call a cab for Diane Sawyer.” – Jay Leno
“The rumor is that Diane Sawyer allegedly had been drinking on election night. In fact, today Mitt Romney called and said, ‘You got any left?'” – Jay Leno
“Karl Rove was running the Republican deal. He spent $400 million to try to get his party in power. They don’t know what happened. The Republicans are confused and scratching their heads. They won’t know what happened until they find the black box.” – David Letterman
“I have political insiders who tell me that Mitt Romney — and he seems like an upbeat guy — is depressed. He just sits in a darkened room watching video tape of that first debate over and over and over.” – David Letterman
“A lot of people are still coming to grips with Mitt Romney’s loss. It was reported that the morning after the election, Mitt Romney’s family gathered to share a gallon of chocolate milk. In other words, they took it much harder than we thought.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney, the morning after defeat, was in his Boston hotel room surrounded by his children and grandchildren. There was a gallon of chocolate milk on the table. Looks like someone’s on a serious bender. It starts with the Nestle Quick, the next thing you know you’re snorting Jolly Ranchers.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I’m checking for updates on the campaign’s ‘I’m with Mitt’ app. It still works, and it lets you take photos with little messages that show your support for Mitt Romney. I tweeted this one today – ‘I’m With Mitt.’ Then later, ‘I’m Standing With Mitt.’ And eventually, ‘I’m In The Fetal Position With Mitt.'” – Stephen Colbert
“I always wonder what the day after the election is like for the candidate who loses. You get so close to becoming the most powerful person in the world and just like that, you wake up hoping to get a call from ‘Dancing With the Stars’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s tough losing an election. You know what Romney is doing right now? He’s rehearsing for Dancing with the Stars. And I tell you, he ain’t gonna win that one either.” – Jay Leno
“His wife Ann said, ‘Mitt you got to cheer up. You know what will make you feel better. Go spend some time with your money.'” – David Letterman
“There is one silver lining about Mitt Romney losing the election. At least now he doesn’t have to move into a smaller house.” – Jay Leno
“Here’s what they’re saying was Mitt’s problem. He lived in his own bubble, his own little air-tight capsule, surrounded by sycophants who told him only what he wanted to hear. Wait a minute, I’m sorry, that’s me.” – David Letterman
“On Tuesday night, Mitt Romney’s staff briefly published his victory website by mistake. Republicans called it an embarrassing error, while Big Bird called it ‘the scariest two minutes of my life.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“I went out to vote. I was in line for four hours. And then it turned out later that it was a gas line.” – David Letterman
“Here in New York City and the tri-state area we need another snowstorm event like the Republicans need another old white guy.” – David Letterman
“What is going on in Florida? They still haven’t finished counting the votes there yet. You know, at this point, Florida shouldn’t even be allowed to vote for ‘American Idol’.” –Jay Leno
“It has been two days, and Florida still hasn’t finished counting all the votes from Tuesday night’s election. Of course, it’s gonna be weird when they’re finally done and they’re like, ‘The winner is – Al Gore?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“No one is exactly sure why it’s taking Florida so long. I’m sure they’ll have it all sorted out by Christmas.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They are still counting votes in Florida. They’re still counting votes even though the election is no longer in doubt and the people who cast them are no longer living.” – Conan O’Brien
“Four counties in Florida were still counting votes today. It’s important that they get all of the votes counted because the numbers could drastically affect the outcome of this election in no way whatsoever.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Two-term presidents is a pretty small club in the history of the United States. The only club smaller is Latinos for Romney. And then the only club smaller than that is Latino women for Romney.” – David Letterman
“There are now a record number of Latinos in Congress, which has a lot more Americans talking about immigration reform. Americans seem to be in favor of it, while immigrants are still on the fence.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama easily won his home state of Illinois. In fact, in Chicago Obama got 120 percent of the vote.” – Jay Leno
“Here is an interesting fact about Tuesday’s election. It seems 41 percent of Rommney voters were named either Osmond or Romney.” – Jay Leno
“Everybody is talking about the fiscal cliff. And I’d be talking about the fiscal cliff too if I knew what the hell it was.” – David Letterman
“If Congress does nothing, the U.S. could go off a so-called fiscal cliff that could cause another worldwide financial collapse like the one in 2008. Congress had a lot of questions about this scenario, like, ‘What do you mean if we do nothing?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Republicans are talking about being open to compromise when it comes to the fiscal cliff. And I’m saying, ‘What the hell have you done with the real Republicans? Where are the real Republicans? That’s not the Republicans I know.” – David Letterman
“Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we’re going to keep Obamacare.” – Conan O’Brien
