Political Irony

Some people should know better than to appear on the Colbert Report:

Part two of the interview is almost as painful — for Mitch Daniels at least.

Josh Whedon (creator of Buffy, Firefly, The Avengers, etc.) talks about why Mitt Romney is the candidate who will put the US on the path to the Zombie Apocalypse:

“Did you see the debate last night? It was the same stuff, but here’s what was different. In the first debate they were at podiums. The second debate, it was stools. Last night, chairs and desks. The next debate – yoga mats.” – David Letterman

“Last night’s debate was held in Boca Raton, Florida. Romney actually has a three-point lead among Florida voters. Of course, he still faces a major obstacle — making sure those voters are still alive for the election.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night the debate was all about the undecideds, but here’s what happened. The undecideds decided not to watch.” – David Letterman

“Did you all watch the debate last night? I have to admit, I was one of those undecideds. I couldn’t decide whether to watch the baseball game or the football game.” – Jay Leno

“During last night’s debate, moderator Bob Schieffer mistakenly referred to Osama bin Laden as ‘Obama bin Laden.’ Everyone at CBS news was really embarrassed, while Fox News was like, ‘We’ll take him!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“That was some debate last night. At one point moderator Bob Schieffer said ‘Obama bin Laden.’ It was right before he called Romney ‘Adolf Mittler’.” – Jay Leno

“Last night President Obama finally found a Republican who agreed with him — Mitt Romney.” – Jay Leno

“After the debate last night, experts agreed that President Obama won on substance and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several substances.” – David Letterman

“One of President Obama’s winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it’s President Obama.” – Jay Leno

“Today a poll found that President Obama won last night’s debate among a voting block known as ‘Walmart moms’. And Mitt Romney won the debate according to a voting block that wouldn’t be caught dead at Walmart.” – Jay Leno

“During last night’s debate, President Obama told Mitt Romney, ‘The 1980s called and they want their foreign policy back.’ Romney tried to deliver a comeback but then his beeper went off.” – Jay Leno

“As part of a new ‘transparency series,’ McDonald’s is releasing videos that show how its food is made. It involves horses and bayonets.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Obama and Romney aren’t the only people running for president. A number of other candidates faced off in a debate tonight in Chicago moderated by Larry King, who was the only person anyone knew on the stage.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A lot of crazy rumors are starting to surface about the two candidates. A man is claiming that President Obama used and sold cocaine in college. On the bright side, if this is true, it means Obama does have business experience.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is so rich he hired extra housekeepers just to launder his money.” – David Letterman

“Donald Trump announced that he will announce something big tomorrow, some very big news about President Obama. So it must be big news because it isn’t like him to make a big deal out of something that isn’t news.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is promising an October surprise tomorrow. Typically that’s a shocking news story that can change the outcome of an election. At this point I don’t know what information Trump could have. Will he reveal that Obama is the guy that has been styling his hair for the last 20 years? That could be bad for Obama.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney hold their final debate in Boca Raton, Florida. The topic of the debate is what is more shocking to see in Boca Raton, a Mormon or a black guy.” – Conan O’Brien

“Tonight is the third and final presidential debate between former Governor Mitt Romney and future former President Barack Obama. Now I’m TiVoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservative Romney kicked the lethargic or energetic Obama’s ass.” – Stephen Colbert

“The final presidential debate was held tonight in Boca Raton, Florida, and was moderated by 75-year-old Bob Schieffer from CBS News. That’s right, 75 years old – or as Florida residents call that, ‘a tween’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today is the last presidential debate. It was moderated by newsman Bob Schieffer. I think he did a great job, but gave too much time to ‘candidate you disagree with,’ and he didn’t let ‘the guy who should be president’ respond to those ‘outrageous lies or important points, depending on your point of view’.” – Craig Ferguson

“Tonight was the third and final presidential debate. The good news? Tonight was the third and final presidential debate.” – Jay Leno

“Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney debate foreign policy. Pundits say it will be close, but it will probably go to the candidate who wore the ‘I killed Osama bin Laden’ T-shirt.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pundits are saying Mitt Romney won the first debate, and the second debate probably was won by President Obama. Whoever wins the third debate, held tonight, will meet the Tigers in the World Series.” – David Letterman

“The debates made it to three episodes. That makes it NBC’s most successful show so far this season.” – Jay Leno

“Oh please, Mr. President. Everyone plays by the same set of rules — and at the end of the game the rich flip over the board and yell, “I win!” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump said he has a “very big” announcement about President Obama that could cost him the election. Yeah, he’s going to endorse him.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump says he will reveal big news about President Obama on Wednesday. Trump said he would have announced it sooner, but faking a Kenyan birth certificate is harder than it looks.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump has a big announcement regarding President Obama. Apparently he has evidence that Obama was born in ‘Romnesia’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“So far for Halloween, sales of Obama masks are 30 percent higher than the sales of Mitt Romney masks. That makes sense. I mean, what’s scarier than four more years of this economy?” – Jay Leno

“Democratic self-loathing has gotten so bad, they’ve changed their symbol … to Eeyore eating a whole cheesecake.” – Stephen Colbert

“Latest polls among registered voters show six percent are undecided. Pick one, come on! Those are the guys you see in the Baskin-Robbins asking for free samples.” – David Letterman