Political Irony

“This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty – unless she’s on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.” – Stephen Colbert

“The Army is pulling out of Rush. Meanwhile, they’re staying in Afghanistan to negotiate with the Taliban, who evidently have a better track record on women’s issues.” – Stephen Colbert (on the U.S. Army pulling ads from Rush Limbaugh’s radio show)

“If you want to avoid getting pregnant there is only one surefire way: be a man.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday Rick Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone’s native land and tell them they’re speaking the wrong language.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Rick Santorum is resonating with voters because of his authenticity. He always speaks off the cuff, which is why his sweaters don’t have sleeves.” – Stephen Colbert

“Rick Santorum says if elected president, he’ll crack down on Internet porn. You thought he was alienating female voters with that birth control thing? Oh, guys are gonna be leaving in droves.” – Jay Leno

“More and more Republicans are calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the campaign. Well, I don’t want to say things look bad for Newt, but his ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama said he’s set up a task force to look into high gas prices. He’d look into it himself, but he’s busy working on those NCAA tournament brackets.” – Jay Leno

“How about those Republican presidential candidates. Newt Gingrich is behind in delegates. But he’s leading in chins.” – David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich has promised to cut the price of gas to $2.50 a gallon… it’s not catching on with the voters. See, here’s my question: what kind of candidate are you if people are willing to pay higher gas prices just to keep you out of office? ‘We’ll go with the six bucks, it’s fine. We’ve got it covered.’” – Jay Leno

“So Newt Gingrich is looking for a vice presidential running mate. Being Newt’s VP is like being a Kardashian husband. It’s going to be over quickly.” – David Letterman

“Congratulations to Rick Santorum on winning the Mississippi and Alabama primaries. Newt Gingrich finished second, Mitt Romney finished third, and Ron Paul is still finishing his cornflakes.” – Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum has been on a roll lately. CNN came up with a clever word for this — Santorumentum. Are they serious? It sounds like something you put under your nose or the name of a drug.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Bothered by irregularity? Constipation? Santorumentum — the twice-a-day medication, not covered by Obamacare. Consult Jesus before taking any medication.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Rick Santorum won Alabama and Mississippi, and Mitt Romney won Hawaii and American Samoa. Here’s a little mnemonic device to help you remember. Places you can get to in a Winnebago, go to Santorum. Places that require a jet or a yacht, go to Romney. Romney, of course, always does well with islands, that’s where his money lives.” – Jon Stewart

“Mitt Romney has been outspending his opponents by a huge margin and he’s still losing. Fortunately, being a hedge fund manager, he bet against himself and made another fortune. It all worked out.” – Jay Leno

“A new CBS poll found that 80% of Americans say they’re not better off than they were four years ago. The other 20% own gas stations.” – Jay Leno

“It’s not a good week for President Obama either. His approval rating has dropped 9% in the last month to an all-time low of 41%. It was 57% last May. In fact, if this keeps up, the White House says they may have to fish out Bin Laden and shoot him all over again.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama announced his final four: Kentucky, Ohio, Missouri, and North Carolina. Mitt Romney announced his final four: Goldman Sachs, Wells Fargo, Exxon, and the Cayman Islands.” – Jay Leno

“March Madness goes from 64 teams to 32 to 16 to 8 to 4 to 2 and then 1. It’s how Rush Limbaugh loses sponsors.” – David Letterman

“Here’s some very scary news: They say gasoline could be $6 a gallon. But the good news is the White House says President Obama is aware of the problem, and will continue to talk about it between fundraisers.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama today released his NCAA bracket. He is a huge basketball fan. But privately, White House aides are worried that if he spends so much time on this, it could affect his golf game.” – Jay Leno

“Happy birthday to Mitt Romney, he’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn’t blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died.” – Jay Leno

“Romney’s birthday is not a big deal here. But in the Cayman Islands, it’s a national holiday.” – Jay Leno

‎”If you are a multi-millionaire entertainer supporting the candidacy of a wealthy financier from Massachusetts, you might no longer be a redneck.” – Stephen Colbert on Jeff Foxworthy campaigning with Mitt Romney

“I’m telling you, it’s getting ugly on the campaign trail. Rick Santorum’s people are accusing Mitt Romney’s campaign of trying to dig up dirt on Ron Paul. He must be an archaeologist.” – Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum insists he’s the most conservative candidate. He is so conservative, you can only rub him the wrong way.” – Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky.” – Jay Leno

“How about that Rush Limbaugh? It was nice for me to see somebody else apologizing for something for a change.” – David Letterman

“Don’t kid yourself, Rush is in a lot of trouble. He’s down to two national sponsors. You know what they are? One is Crisco, and the other is Hostess Twinkies.” – David Letterman