Political Irony

Herman Cain shares his views on China:

I do view China as a potential military threat to the United States … we already have superiority in terms of our military capability, and I plan to get away from making cutting our defense a priority and make investing in our military capability a priority, going back to my statement: peace through strength and clarity. So yes they’re a military threat. They’ve indicated that they’re trying to develop nuclear capability and they want to develop more aircraft carriers like we have. So yes, we have to consider them a military threat.

Why that’s scary news, that China is trying to develop nuclear weapons. Especially since they tested their first nuclear weapon back in 1964 and are currently estimated to have around 400 nuclear weapons.

And on China’s economy:

China has a $6 trillion economy and they’re growing at approximately 10 percent. We have a $14 trillion economy — much bigger — but we’re growing at an anemic 1.5, 1.6 percent. When we get our economy growing back at the rate of 5 or 6 percent that it has the ability to do, we will outgrow China.

I’d like to know how growing at 6 percent will outgrow a country growing at 10 percent.

And no, I didn’t make up the “Pizza Geography” headline. Cain himself compared US foreign policy to making pizza.

“In a new interview, Rick Perry said it was a mistake for him to participate in the presidential debates. Perry said ‘I’m not one of these ‘word talkers’.'” – Conan O’Brien

“According to polls, Rick Perry has now fallen to fifth place. You know who is in fourth place? Carrot Top.” – Jay Leno

“Rick Perry is now behind in the polls and he’s not taking it well. Today he executed his pollster.” – David Letterman

“In an interview last night, Rick Perry criticized Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on the issues. Romney said that Perry has no idea what he’s talking about. Then he added, ‘But he does know what he’s talking about.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Michele Bachmann told reporters that she will lead the nation in prayer if she is elected president. You know if she is elected president, we all better be praying. She doesn’t have to lead us.” – Jay Leno

“Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery.” – Conan O’Brien

“We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we’re the only place that has lower numbers than he does.” – Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton turns 64 years old today. Happy birthday. Today, Donald Trump demanded to see her birth certificate.” – David Letterman

“A couple of days ago they found (Moammar Gadhafi) hiding in a storm sewer, and they pulled him out and killed him. … In three years, he would have been eligible for his pension! … Yep and he left his entire wardrobe to Lady Gaga.” – David Letterman

“The McRib is back. You know, I wondered what they were going to do with Gadhafi’s body.” – Jay Leno

“Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich said that next month they’re going to take part in a Lincoln-Douglas style debate. The only similarity to the actual Lincoln-Douglas debates is that no one will watch them on television.” – Conan O’Brien

“A group called the Texas Tea Party Patriots is hosting a debate next month where Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain will go head to head, while people watching that will go head to pillow.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he’s retooling. He’s adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?” – David Letterman

“Rick Perry unveiled his new tax plan. He says he wants a flat tax. He believes that tax should be flat, just like the earth.” – Jay Leno

“Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.” – David Letterman

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is going to Israel. He’s going to be pretty disappointed when he finds out the Gaza Strip isn’t a steak.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Michele Bachmann’s campaign is in a lot of trouble. Five staffers quit her campaign, claiming it was because she treated them like second-class citizens. However, Bachmann said, ‘That’s not true. At no time did I treat them like gays or Latinos.'” – Conan O’Brien

“A Libyan rebel has admitted to killing Moammar Gadhafi. He said he shot Gadhafi twice in the temple, to which Michele Bachmann said, ‘I didn’t even know the guy was Jewish.'” – Jay Leno

“Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That’s me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.” – David Letterman

“They have buried Moammar Gadhafi at a secret undisclosed location. In other words, it’s going to be the best season of ‘The Amazing Race’ yet.” – Conan O’Brien

“So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he’d had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.” – David Letterman

“As you know, President Obama is here in Los Angeles He’s raising money for a huge disaster relief project. It’s called NBC.” – Jay Leno

“It feels weird, because we’re taping the show extra early tonight. It’s rare that we change what time we tape the show to accommodate a guest’s schedule. In fact, the only people we’ve ever done it for are the president and Lindsay Lohan.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama just launched his own blog on the website Tumblr. Incidentally, ‘tumbler’ is what you call President Obama after looking at his poll numbers.” – Jimmy Fallon

“So, you hear that, Michelle Obama? You can take your celery sticks and throw them in the deep fryer.” – Jimmy Kimmel