Political Irony

“Big news in the Republican ranks, there is a new front-runner: Herman Cain. The Republican establishment is freaking out because their token black guy is in the lead now. It’s like an episode of Star Trek where the black guy beams down to the planet and lives.” – Bill Maher

“Herman Cain’s plan to save the economy is ‘9-9-9.’ He keeps saying it every day like the Count on Sesame Street. Well, this week we finally found out where he got it from. Not from an economist. He got it up from the guy who works at his local Wells Fargo branch. Literally, it’s like he went down to deposit checks, and the teller said, ‘Can I help with anything else?’ And he said, ‘Yeah, can you re-write the tax code?'” – Bill Maher

“Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he’ll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.” – David Letterman

“Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain has come out of nowhere to become the new front-runner. And believe me, Mitt Romney is worried. He’s sweating like Rick Perry.” – Jay Leno

“The Republican candidates are still looking for ways to stop Romney. See, it’s hard to disagree with his positions — because as you know, he’s taken every position.” – Jay Leno

“You got to feel bad for poor Mitt Romney. He’s in their plugging every week, and every week somebody gets ahead of him. The people who have led Mitt so far: Donald Trump, then Michele Bachmann, then Rick Perry, now Herman Cain. He’s been led by a reality show star, a crazy lady, a stuttering cowboy, and the guy who brings the pizza. That’s gotta hurt a little.” – Bill Maher

“Rick Perry has dropped 20 points in the polls in one week. They say he is so depressed about this, he hardly has the energy to execute anybody.” – Bill Maher

“Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I’ve ever heard say he’s not doing well because he’s sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep.” – David Letterman

“Rick Perry got the date of the American revolution wrong by two centuries. What is it with the right wing? Michele Bachmann doesn’t know where the ‘Shot Heard ‘Round the World’ took place, Sarah Palin doesn’t know why Paul Revere went on his ride, Rick Perry doesn’t know that 1776 happened in the 1700’s. These aren’t gotcha questions. I know this sounds mean about Rick Perry, but if he was a child, you’d leave him behind.” – Bill Maher

“This Occupy Wall Street movement is now in 1,500 places all around the world. I was at the Occupy Beverly Hills today. It’s two Jews at Starbucks complaining that the scones aren’t fresh. But still it’s a start.” – Bill Maher

“Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they’re never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show.” – David Letterman

“Now there’s a pushback movement (against Occupy Wall Street). There’s a group called the 53%. These are the people who say 47% don’t pay any federal taxes (yeah, because they’re fucking broke). The 53% say they barely get by, but they don’t blame the banks. Their slogan is, ‘Let’s bend over and take it, America!'” – Bill Maher

“The Occupy Wall Street protests continue to grow. They’ve started to attract a very unsavory element – celebrities.” – Craig Ferguson

“Bill O’Reilly calls them drug traffickers and crackheads, he says they’re out here having sex outside at night. Bill O’Reilly – the only man in America who makes Andy Rooney seem hip. He also said they’re practicing free love, as opposed to the kind Bill tried to practice and cost him a fortune in legal fees.” – Bill Maher

“Warren Buffett’s company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn’t paying enough taxes, he wasn’t kidding.” – Jay Leno

“Joe Biden once again denied stories that he will be replaced on the ticket in 2012. He says he will continue to embarrass President Obama for another four years.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Occupy Wall Street protests continued in New York City. Today the protests have been going on for four weeks now. That’s longer than most NBC sitcoms last.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Republicans had yet another debate the other night. This is their seventh one. They’re apparently going to keep having these debates until Rick Perry can get one right.” – Jay Leno

“Herman Cain is surging in the polls. Many polls have him ahead of Mitt Romney. He hasn’t said who he would choose as his running mate yet, but according to a report, he’s had several meetings with Papa John.” – Jay Leno

“Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don’t understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza.” – Conan O’Brien

“Big Ben is leaning to one side, but they think that it might be able to somehow correct itself. And I thought well, yeah, look at Mitt Romney. He used to lean to the left, now he leans to the right.” – David Letterman

“This morning on the ‘Today’ show, Jenna Bush interviewed Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy was so confused and inarticulate that Jenna accidentally called him ‘dad’.” – Conan O’Brien

“White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley announced he’ll be leaving the White House after the election. I get the feeling a lot of people are going to be leaving the White House after the election.” – Jay Leno

“Hulk Hogan says he no longer supports President Obama. Yeah. But the president’s not worried because he has the support of the Iron Sheik and Triple H.” – Conan O’Brien

“The White House is apparently pushing to create more Latino-themed landmarks. Now that’s in addition to our current Latino-themed landmark, California.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Saudi government is upset about this plot to assassinate their ambassador. As you know, Saudi Arabia condemns all acts of terrorism unless, of course, they’re sponsoring them.” – Jay Leno

“The new iPhone 4S comes out tomorrow. If you are not already standing outside in line, it’s too late. The line for the iPhone 5 starts up Monday. … You watch TV and they say our economy is on life support. If we can afford $400 for a phone whose main difference appears to be that there’s a letter ‘S’ on it, how bad could things be?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You know who’s also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That’s a real good idea — a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.” – David Letterman

“Police were using pepper spray on the Wall Street protesters. That’s scary. What if they’re spraying them with condiments so the rich people can enjoy eating them?” – Craig Ferguson

“The protesters stood outside the homes of five rich dudes. Michael Moore was actually able to stand outside all five homes at the same time.” – Craig Ferguson

“The protests are getting pretty rowdy. This morning, they overturned Donald Trump’s hair and set it on fire.” – Craig Ferguson

“If I was in New York, I’d probably participate in this. Well, first I’d see ‘Jersey Boys.'” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, ‘Oh, you’ll see.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“When the check came, Obama was like, ‘Do you guys want to split this five ways?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“They’re saying President Obama doesn’t have any friends. The problem is that he can’t get Congress to approve one.” –David Letterman

“At the last Republican debate, the candidates were seated according to how they’ve been doing in the polls. So Jon Huntsman was seated next to Tim Pawlenty at a Denny’s across the street.” – Conan O’Brien

“The candidates at the last Republican debate got to ask each other questions. Jon Huntsman asked, ‘Who am I?'” – David Letterman

“Rick Perry’s advisers said he prepared for the last debate by getting a lot more sleep. Apparently, he did it during the debate.” – Jay Leno

“Rick Perry looks like a guy who crawled out from under a painted rock. Perry’s exhausted. He’s having trouble sleeping. Calling Dr. Conrad Murray!” – David Letterman

“Rick Perry said America’s revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, ‘I never said I was a geology major.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Rick Perry had to leave the debate early. He was late for an execution.” – David Letterman

“At one point, Rick Santorum was interrupted by a gay heckler. But then Michele Bachmann told her husband, ‘Just shut up and sit down.'” – Jay Leno

“During the Republican debate last night, Michele Bachmann said she has 28 children, five of her own and 23 foster kids. It’s all part of her new strategy: Adopting a majority of voters.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is ‘shrinking the American pie.’ And believe me, if there’s one thing Christie hates, it’s a small pie.” – Jay Leno

“President Bill Clinton is on the show tonight, and we had trouble with security. The bomb-sniffing dogs found the cue cards.” – David Letterman

“Brian Williams said if he ever left his wife for a man, that man would be Bruce Springsteen. Which is a really weird way to begin the nightly news.” – Conan O’Brien

“One of the guys accused of organizing the Iranian plot to kill the Saudi ambassador is a used car salesman from Texas. Just when you thought terrorists couldn’t get any lower.” – Jay Leno