Political Irony

“House Democrats want President Obama to invoke the 14th Amendment, which would let him raise the debt ceiling on his own. Or as most people put it, ‘Wait, you could have done that the whole time?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a poll, 77 percent of Americans blame Republican leaders for the coming default and 58 percent blame President Obama. There’s the problem: That makes 135 percent. How can we balance the budget if we can’t even add up the poll numbers?” – Jay Leno

“The government is just a few days from running out of money to pay their bills. The latest plan is to see how much cash they can get for John McCain on ‘Antiques Roadshow.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Only five days until the United States defaults. Or, four days and 23 hours until Congress does anything.” – Jay Leno

“House Speaker John Boehner is urging Republicans to support his bill by telling them to get their asses in line. That’s what he said — get their asses in line. This is typical Washington — if it’s not Obama kissing Wall Street’s ass, it’s Boehner kicking ass, or it’s Congressman David Wu grabbing ass. They’re a bunch of asses.” – Jay Leno

“At a White House GOP meeting the other night, House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy tried to inspire everyone by showing a clip from the movie, ‘The Town’. Is that the best movie for Congress, “The Town”? How many think ‘Dumb and Dumber’ would be a better movie?” – Jay Leno

“You understand any of this? I don’t understand…the Republicans have ‘cut, cap, and balance.’ That’s no good. Of course the Democrats have their plan, “duck and cover.” That doesn’t work either.” – Jay Leno

“Only 17% of Americans believe the country is headed in the right direction. Which makes me think it might be time for a woman President. At least a woman would stop and ask for directions.” – Jay Leno

“After two weeks in the theaters, the documentary about Sarah Palin called ‘Undefeated’… not doing well… barely made $100,000. I’m not saying Sarah Palin’s movie is a bomb, but today Al Qaeda tried to take credit.” – Jay Leno

“According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That’s right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch.” – Conan O’Brien

“Facebook has added ‘civil union’ to its status updates. And next week they’re adding “whatever Michele Bachmann and her husband are up to.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He celebrated quietly with half his money.” – David Letterman

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital when he felt he couldn’t breathe. Doctors said the condition is called ‘living in New Jersey.'” – Jay Leno

“Bill Gates, the guy who invented computers and internet porn, has designed a new toilet that uses no water whatsoever. I was going to get one, but my dog talked me out of it. In New York we call a toilet without water the subway.” – David Letterman

“Thirty-three soldiers from the Mexican army were allowed to return home after accidentally crossing the border into the United States. That’s how bad things are. People are only crossing the border accidentally.” – Conan O’Brien

“This debt crisis still isn’t solved, but yesterday, the White House said it’s working on a ‘plan B’. Unfortunately, the B stands for ‘bake sale.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn’t reached by Aug. 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We are over $14 trillion in debt, but the ‘feels like’ is $20 trillion.” – David Letterman

“Speaking of the debt crisis, I read that if the U.S. debt were stacked in $100 bills, it would be as long as two football fields and as high as the statue of liberty. You know, just in case $14 trillion didn’t seem like a lot to you.” – Jimmy Fallon

“They say that the United States might default on its loans and China might foreclose. We’ll have to move into a cheap rental country or something.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its bills. We may have to move in with Canada for a while.” – Conan O’Brien

“Economists are worried if we fall into default “the good name of the United States” would suffer in the eyes of the world. Oh, shut up. We lost that fight the day we sent the cast of “Jersey Shore” to Italy.” – Jay Leno

“The number one movie in the country is “Captain America.” Analysts say this movie is successful because it takes place in the 40’s and has a retro feel. The film takes audiences back to a time where America could actually fight a war and get out of a depression at the same time. Whole different thing from today.” – Jay Leno

“John Boehner told Republicans to ‘get in line.’ He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are friends again. There you have it. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are now more mature than President Obama and John Boehner.” ” – Jimmy Fallon

“A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is ‘corrupt.’ The other 64 percent think Congress is ‘extremely corrupt.'” – Jay Leno

“We’re under a heat dome, and meteorologists believe it’s due to Michele Bachmann’s hair spray.” – David Letterman

“I guess the reason conservatives hate it when liberals play the victim card is that it distracts from the real victims: conservatives.” – Jon Stewart

“I had no idea that life for conservatives was so difficult in this country. Tell me a little bit, if you would, about the bad people holding your kind back.” – Jon Stewart

“Jeb Bush is toying with the idea of running for president. Well, I’m toying with the idea of drinking again.” – David Letterman

“According to a new poll, President Obama is losing support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it is, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.” – Jay Leno

“George W. Bush will give his first interview about the killing of Osama bin Laden next month on cable TV. It’s expected to be the highest-rated episode ever of ‘Cake Boss’.” – Conan O’Brien

“NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that was like, ‘One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Manchester United is the most valuable sports franchise in the world. A few years ago, it was the target of a takeover by Captain Evil himself: Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch was going to buy Manchester United for less than he usually pays for a prime minister.” – Craig Ferguson

“The NFL lockout is over. All the parties agreed and we have a compromise. It’s too bad the national debt isn’t as important as football.” – David Letterman

“‘Debt ceiling,’ to me, sounds like a boring John Grisham novel, but apparently it’s very important.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month.” – Jay Leno

“On August 2, the United States government runs out of money. They may even have to stop paying Captain America.” – David Letterman

“‘Captain America’ made $65 million over the weekend, which is about twice what actual America made.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The government is one week away from running out of money to pay its bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicholas Cage.” – Conan O’Brien

“If the debt ceiling isn’t raised by Aug. 2, the whole country can go into default and we won’t be able to pay our bills. Then we’ll have to ask our parents for money, which will be very embarrassing.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The country is running out of money and everyone is fighting. It reminds me a lot of my childhood.” – Conan O’Brien

“The debt ceiling debate is such a mess right now, Al Qaeda is desperately trying to find a way to take credit for it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The ‘debate’ we’ve been having? Is that what that noise out of Washington has been? It sounded like an elephant seal trying to fuck a truck.” – Jon Stewart

“On CNN, Tim Pawlenty accused President Obama of ‘hiding in the basement’ during debt ceiling talks. While Joe Biden accused President Obama of ‘locking him in the basement’ during debt ceiling talks.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: ‘President Joe Biden.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama urged the American people to call Congress and demand that both parties work together on a compromise. The calls are 99 cents for the first minute, and a trillion dollars for each additional minute.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Did the president just quit? Seriously, you’re the president. You’re asking us to call Congress? … I actually feel bad for the president. He interrupted ‘The Bachelorette’ to be like, ‘Could you call your congressman? I can’t talk to these people.'” – Jon Stewart

“In his speech, President Obama said that ‘compromise’ has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves.” – Conan O’Brien

“Republican Presidential Candidate John Huntsman has fired his campaign manager, Susie Wiles. This after a poll showing she has higher name recognition than he did. That’s not good.” – Jay Leno

“Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush Presidencies are like ‘Caddyshack’ movies. They should have stopped with one.” – David Letterman

The entire town of Scenic, South Dakota is for sale for $799,000. You can buy the whole city. Twelve acres! It has a saloon, a post office, and 15 Starbucks. It’s not unusual to buy an entire city. We’ve been doing that for years. It’s called Washington, D.C.” – Jay Leno

“McDonald’s has added apple slices to their Happy Meals. Then an hour later, McDonald’s added cheese and beef to their apple slices.” – Conan O’Brien

“Scientists say DNA shows humans used to have sex with Neanderthals. Scientists don’t call them cave men because they often lived other places. We’ve spent a lot of time looking for them in caves when they were actually living in million-dollar compounds in Pakistan.” – Craig Ferguson