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Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

“We’re heading for a government shutdown. This is serious. Without the government who will fail to inspect our airplanes? Who will fail to secure our borders? Who will put us 14 trillion dollars in debt?” – Jay Leno

“If Congress can’t agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people’s money and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The White House may have to lay off all nonessential workers if the government shuts down. You know: interns, pages, Biden…” – Jimmy Fallon

“All government services may be shut down next week, which could really make the DMV inconvenient.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Members of Congress will still get paid if there’s a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We’ll be paying them to do nothing.” – Jay Leno

“A lot of public beaches may also be shut down, which could severely whiten John Boehner.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next week. There will be another season of ‘Jersey Shore,’ but the U.S. government is still up in the air.” – Conan O’Brien

“The most embarrassing part is that by the weekend, our government could be shut down, but Moammar Gadhafi’s government could still be working.” – Jay Leno

“The White House says we’ll be staying in Libya longer than expected. I didn’t see that coming.” – David Letterman

“The original estimate for Libya was two weeks. Now they’re predicting about 12 years.” – David Letterman

“Fox News announced today that Glenn Beck will leave his show later this year. It’s nothing personal. He just wants to spend more time with the voices in his head.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Glenn Beck has announced that he is leaving his show on Fox News this year. Even more surprising is that he’s leaving to marry his life-partner, Abdul Gonzales.” – Conan O’Brien

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I kinda like the old Romney

Monday, April 11, 2011

Mitt Romney announced today that he taking the first step in a run for the presidency. Interestingly, his announcement came in the form of a video.

I think any time he states his positions during the Republican primary, we should examine how they compare to his life-long held positions. Luckily, we have an earlier video from 1994 where he states them for us:

The funny thing is, I actually agree with Romney’s former positions. He doesn’t discuss his opinion about health care reform in the old video, but we already know that Romneycare is pretty much the same as Obamacare.

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Language is a Virus

Monday, April 11, 2011


© Tom Tomorrow

Exhibit A is Paul Ryan’s Republican Budget Proposal, which destroys Medicare as we know it, defunds organizations that tend to support Democrats, and increases the deficit by giving even more tax cuts to the wealthy.

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The Republican Con of Senior Citizens

Monday, April 11, 2011

When my mother became senile and we took over her finances, we discovered that she had been repeatedly conned by companies whose sole business seemed to be preying on the weaknesses of seniors. One company was pulling money directly out of her checking account for “magazine subscriptions” that were more expensive than if she were paying newsstand prices. Others were charging exorbitant premiums for questionable insurance policies.

I was reminded of this when reading about the new Republican budget proposal from Paul Ryan that (among other things) eliminates our current Medicare system and replaces it with a giant giveaway to the health insurance companies.

As The Nation puts it:

One of the most fundamental tensions in our politics is that senior citizens are, simultaneously, the demographic group that most benefits from the welfare state and the one most sympathetic to the right-wing push to abolish it. The only age group in which McCain beat Obama was voters 60 and older. Part of the reason Democrats fared poorly in 2010 is that voters 60 and older made up 34 percent of the electorate, up from 23 percent in 2008. Senior citizens were also the group most opposed to Obama’s Affordable Care Act, with 58 percent now in favor of repeal.

This produces all kinds of bizarre, contradictory results, like the iconic Tea Party protester who warned the government to keep its hands off his Medicare.

The Republican Party plays both sides of this game. In 2003 they passed Medicare Part D, a multi-billion-dollar deficit-increasing giveaway to the pharmaceutical companies in the guise of a massive entitlement program that was purely designed to buy senior votes. They attacked Obama’s health care reform effort, claiming it would cut $500 billion from Medicare. Not to mention the (totally false) “death panel” hysteria.

But now they are going to gut Medicare in the name of deficit reduction. Will seniors fall for this con?

UPDATE: Matt Taibbi has a brilliant rant on just how dishonest and calculating Ryan’s budget proposal actually is. A few choice quotes:

The Republicans, quite smartly, recognize that there is great political hay to be made in the appearance of deficit reduction, and that white middle class voters will respond with overwhelming enthusiasm to any call for reductions in the “welfare state,” a term which said voters will instantly associate with black welfare moms and Mexicans sneaking over the border to visit American emergency rooms.

Never mind that each time the Republicans actually come into power, federal deficit spending explodes and these whippersnappers somehow never get around to touching Social Security, Medicare or Medicaid.

The last ten years or so have seen the government send massive amounts of money to people in the top tax brackets, mainly through two methods: huge tax cuts, and financial bailouts. The government has spent trillions of our national treasure bailing out Wall Street, which has resulted directly in enormous, record profit numbers – nearly $100 billion in the last three years (and that doesn’t even count the tens of billions more in inflated compensation and bonuses that came more or less directly from government aid). … But the issue is being presented as if the debt comes entirely from growth in entitlement spending. It’s bad enough that middle-class taxpayers have been forced in the last few years to subsidize the vacations and beach houses of the idiots who caused the financial crisis, and it’s doubly insulting that they’re now being blamed for the budget mess.

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Political Theater

Sunday, April 10, 2011


© Lee Judge

Republicans are trying to defund any organization that tends to favor Democrats: labor unions (except those that support Republicans, like police unions), Planned Parenthood, NPR, teachers, the poor, etc.

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Late Night Political Humor

Sunday, April 10, 2011

“Barack Obama has finally thrown his turban into the ring. So far the Republican field looks like a bunch of guys responding to a Craigslist ad for a free couch.” – Stephen Colbert

“The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it — just like he did with being president.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? “Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama said he doesn’t have time to play games with Republicans on a budget deal. Which is bad news for the new video game ‘Wii Budget Deal.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It looks like we’re heading for a government shutdown. And you thought Joe Biden had nothing to do before.” – Jay Leno

“There’s a $376 million semi-secret construction project happening at the White House, and it’s rumored that a tunnel is being built underneath. That’s a lot of work for President Obama to get away from his mother-in-law. Let the man have a cigarette.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There is a lot of speculation as to what the tunnel’s true purpose is, whether it’s for security or transportation. Or, maybe it leads directly to Oprah’s bedroom.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I think he Obama is building an underground Kenya. A new subterranean land so he can Africanize us from below. I heard that on Fox News.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi’s forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does.” – Jay Leno

“Fox News is dropping Glenn Beck’s show. He spent the whole day crying his eyes out, and then he heard his show was getting dropped.” – Craig Ferguson

“Half a million women employees are suing Wal-Mart claiming men are better paid. Wal-Mart hired a bunch of female lawyers to defend them because they thought they could get them cheaper.” – Jay Leno

“Scientists are saying that the Ozone Layer over the Arctic has shrunk a record 40%. Now, To give idea how much that is, it’s the biggest hole in sky not on a Southwest plane.” – Craig Ferguson

“Bravo is canceling ‘The Real Housewives of D.C.’ after just one season. That’s when unemployment is bad, when people who don’t even have jobs are losing their jobs.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma.” – Conan O’Brien

“I love Dick Morris. It’s as if cholesterol and bile had a baby.” – Jon Stewart

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For This They Threatened to Shut Down the Government?

Sunday, April 10, 2011

The latest showdown between Obama and the Republicans was over an extremely small amount of funding for Planned Parenthood. The Republicans couldn’t help turning it into a red meat issue, screaming that they didn’t want the government paying for abortions.

This was, of course, complete and utter nonsense. The government is already prohibited from paying for any abortions by the Hyde Amendment. In fact, the funding in question was for cancer screenings and other health services.

But on Friday, Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ) defended the Republican’ threat to shut down the government by claiming that abortion is “well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does.”

Of course, he just made that number up. In reality, just three percent of what Planned Parenthood does is related to abortions.

But the hypocritical part is that when Kyl’s office was contacted by CNN to ask for clarification, they responded that Kyl’s “remark was not intended to be a factual statement“. Isn’t an intended non-factual statement called a lie?

And the whole charade about reducing the deficit? Pure political theater. Doing cancer screenings saves the government money, since the earlier you catch cancer, the easier and cheaper it is to treat. Not to mention that it saves lives, so it is pro-life. And the contraceptive services provided by Planned Parenthood reduces the need for abortions.

Republicans: Claiming they want to reduce government spending and the budget deficit, but actually increasing them. Claiming to be pro-life, while costing lives and increasing abortions. And more than willing to blatantly lie about it. Pure hypocrisy.


© Joel Pett

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Do we need a 20% Tax Cut?

Saturday, April 9, 2011

To anyone who still believes the nonsense that cutting taxes for the rich will stimulate job creation or the economy, Politico points out that between the year 2000 and 2009, the real amount that people pay in taxes went down by 20%. That’s right, we cut taxes significantly, and what happened?

Are we now awash in jobs? Is our economy booming? Hardly. During that time period, we didn’t create a single net job.

In fact, our country pays less of its GDP than most countries in the world. We pay 24% of our GDP in taxes, compared to countries like Germany, which pays 37%, or Canada with 31%. Even countries like Norway, which pays 41% of their income in taxes, is doing better economically than we are.

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Late Night Political Humor

Saturday, April 9, 2011

“President Obama will run for reelection in 2012. He’s not breaking up with us! He wants to work things out! He’s forgiving our poor record on post-recession job creation, our incessant demands to be talked to every time we go to war.” – Jon Stewart

“President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate.” – Jay Leno

“Experts say this Presidential campaign will be the most expensive in history. A far cry from the very first re-election campaign back in 1792. When George Washington ran against a young Senator named John McCain.” – Craig Ferguson

“As far as I’m concerned, the election starts with the first attack ad, which should appear in about 20 minutes.” – Craig Ferguson

“I think elections should be quick. If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he’s running on the slogan, ‘I’m Michelle Obama’s husband.'” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s being reported that Katie Couric will be leaving CBS before the presidential campaigns. Who will be brave enough to ask Sarah Palin questions that should be incredibly easy to answer now?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Former first lady Laura Bush said in an interview that she and George W. Bush do everything together. Then she said she had to go because ‘SpongeBob’ was on.” – Conan O’Brien

“If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?” – Seth Meyers

“Fox News’ Geraldo Rivera was caught in the middle of a firefight between pro- and anti-government forces in Libya. He was lucky to get out alive because both sides were trying to shoot him.” – Jay Leno

“We are just four days away from the government shutdown, which will cripple the VA, Social Security and Medicare. So I get to snuff out one more candle on my Government Shutdown Menorah. Shutdownica celebrates the miracle of telling veterans and the elderly that they can suck it.” – Stephen Colbert

“Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it’s mostly on top of the water.” – Conan O’Brien

“Southwest Airlines said that the hole that ripped through the fuselage of one of their airplanes was not terrorism-related. Thank goodness! It was just maintenance neglect.” – Jay Leno

“Southwest Airlines canceled 600 flights because of a plane that suddenly got a 5-foot hole in the roof. You know American wouldn’t have canceled all those flights. They’d have just started charging a $50 sunroof fee.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Charlie Sheen’s live show bombed so badly in Detroit that President Obama gave him a $4 billion bailout.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“No one turns lemons into lemonphetamines like Charlie Sheen.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“People who saw the show said it was disjointed, confusing, and largely nonsensical, which may have something to do with the fact that Charlie Sheen hosted it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The people at Charlie Sheen’s show were all mad, which I don’t understand. You paid to see a train wreck. The train wrecked. And now you’re mad about it? People walked out and wanted their money back. It reminded me a little bit of when I lost my virginity.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Give him enough rope?

Friday, April 8, 2011


© Tom Toles

Apparently Beck was too crazy for even Fox News. Or maybe they weren’t paying him enough.

A few tweets:

Richard Roeper: “Glenn Beck to leave Fox News. Announcement causes immediate, drastic fall in stock price of chalkboards, Hitler graphics and bottled crazy.”

Roger Ebert: “Fox drops Glenn Beck. One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.”

UPDATE: Jon Stewart reacts to the news, by doing his amazing Glenn Beck imitation:

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Late Night Political Humor

Friday, April 8, 2011

“The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers.” – Bill Maher

“TLC will start airing new episodes of ‘Kate Plus 8’ starting this Monday. And they’re going to keep airing them until Gaddafi agrees to step down.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama called Vice President Joe Biden into the Oval Office to get his advice about Libya. Then he said, ‘April Fools’!'” – Jay Leno

“I’ve made a lot of jokes about Donald Trump running for president, but in all honesty, I’ll be making a lot more.” – David Letterman

“Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs – another blonde airhead.” – Bill Maher

“Donald Trump is saying President Obama doesn’t have a birth certificate. Let’s just say he doesn’t. What are we going to do now? Make him go get one?” – David Letterman

“According to a poll, 55 percent of college students approve of the job President Obama is doing. That may change once they graduate and try to find a job.” – Jay Leno

“They finally maybe struck a deal to avert a government shutdown. Of course, all on the Republican terms. You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.” – Bill Maher

“If the government shutdown occurs, there may be a freeze to all new wars in the Middle East.” – Jay Leno

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The Power of Prayer

Friday, April 8, 2011

A parable (koan?) on the separation of church and state:

In the small town of Mt. Vernon, Texas, the local bar started to build a new building to increase business. The town’s Baptist church was strongly opposed, and attempted to block the opening of the new bar with petitions and prayer. Just before the bar opened their prayers were answered — lightning struck and the new bar burned to the ground.

The bar owner sued the church, claiming that they were responsible for the loss of his business. At the end of the hearing, the judge commented “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.”

[From an email sent to a small town paper.]

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Open Secrecy?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Obama receives an award for openness, behind closed doors:

[From the Daily Show]

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Real Immigration Reform!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Believe it or not, real immigration reform has been achieved in America. The bill includes a liberal guest worker program that grants legal status to undocumented workers, so they can live relatively normal lives. Some people have called that “amnesty”.

But what is truly amazing is that this bill is set to become law in Utah, one of the reddest and most conservative states in the union. The state legislature, which passed the bill, is overwhelmingly Republican, and the Republican governor is expected to sign the bill. The bill’s chief sponsor is Bill Wright, a Republican who is as hard core conservative as they get. What happened?

A milestone in setting the stage for Wright’s legislation was the “Utah Compact,” a pithy declaration of reform principles drafted last fall by business leaders and conservative elites, who feared Utah would follow in Arizona’s footsteps and risk losing tens of millions of dollars in tourism and convention business, as Arizona did. The compact helped swing public opinion in Utah away from the illegal-immigrant bashers who admired Arizona’s law.

“They’ve had their 15 minutes in the media and now the adults are going to start talking about how to handle matters,” said Paul Mero, executive director of Utah’s most prominent conservative think tank, the Sutherland Institute, who helped draft the compact. “We’ve been able to break through that political barrier put up by the wing nuts who see every brown person as a criminal.”

The Utah conservatives managed to reframe immigration as an economic issue, pointing out that deporting all the illegal aliens would destroy their economy. Not only that, but it would break up families, and conservatives are supposed to be pro-family.

Ironically, at the national level, the Republicans are still the Party of No. None of Utah’s congressional delegation (including the senators) support the bill. They are still too busy using immigration reform as a wedge issue — playing politics instead of solving our national problems. In a stunning hypocritical flip flop, John McCain even turned against an immigration reform bill he helped write in 2007.

But I applaud the conservatives and Republicans in Utah who courageously got this sensible bill passed.

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Ship of State

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


© Ed Stein

Stein’s commentary:

We may yet get a budget deal without a government shutdown, but it won’t be any credit to the Tea Party absolutists who see ANY compromise as a betrayal of their core principles. It will be because feckless Democrats caved on theirs. The last I heard, the Dems were so desperate for a deal they were considering selling out the EPA. They’ve already given way too much on so-called discretionary spending. The cuts will be painful to the poor, to schools, to women, to the unemployed, but not, of course, to the wealthy or to big corporations, who will not be asked to sacrifice in any way. Right now, a handful of Tea Party freshmen appear to be driving the entire GOP agenda, which must be driving Speaker Boehner nuts. He’s been around long enough to understand that compromise is how things get done, and that the Tea Party radicals will destroy his party’s advantage in short order if they insist on getting their way at all costs. I only hope the Democrats don’t bail him out by caving even more.

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