Political Irony

“The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, ‘Really?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Surprisingly, March Madness is not that big in the Middle East. Because they have April Madness, May Madness, June Madness, and more.” – Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton visited Egypt today for the first time since the uprising. When asked why she went, Bill Clinton said, “Believe me, if anyone can stop an uprising, it’s Hillary.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a speech Obama said women earn 75 cents for each dollar a man makes, to which Sarah Palin said, ‘Have you met Todd?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama held a meeting on bullying, and he revealed that he himself is bullied every day, by Fox News.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama told middle school students that he was always in trouble in the 8th grade. In fact, he was once sent to the principal’s office because he said the dog ate his birth certificate.” – Jay Leno

“Al Qaeda has launched its own womens magazine. I bought a copy, and I tell you right now, those ankles are totally airbrushed.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Al-Qaida has now launched a woman’s magazine that will have everything from fashion to terror advice. Unfortunately, women are not allowed to read it.” – Jay Leno

“Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can’t get her states right.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off. When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my heart.” – Jay Leno

“Washington, D.C. is the most socially networked city in the country, which is why you could hear in the Senate today, “All in favor vote ‘like.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today is the Ides of March, the day on which in 44 B.C. Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by 60 Roman Senators. That could never happen today. We can’t get 60 Senators to agree on anything.” – Jay Leno

“Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news is, the average age a person has to work to before they can retire is now 78.3 years.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich, who famously cheated on wife number two with now wife number three, says he prays for God’s forgiveness. He also prays that wife number three never finds out about Vanessa.” – Conan O’Brien

‎”Newt knows that before he throws his giant hat into the ring, he has to explain his past positions — specifically, why those positions were so often on top of women who weren’t his wife.” – Stephen Colbert

“Newt Gingrich has started a web site to gauge whether he should start an exploratory committee to determine whether he should run for President. This is just the type of firm, decisive leadership this country needs.” – Jay Leno

“Congressman Peter King is holding hearings on the radicalization of American Muslims to determine why they feel alienated from American culture. Hopefully these hearings into why they’re so dangerous will make them feel more welcome.” – Stephen Colbert

“Al-Qaida is now publishing a magazine for women. They already have one for men, called ‘Car Bomb and Driver.'” – David Letterman

“I always thought the point of evidence was that if you didn’t have enough, you’re not allowed to keep them in prison. It’s one of the many differences we have in this country between prisons and zoos. You don’t really need anything on an aardvark.” – Jon Stewart (on military tribunals at Guantanamo)

“They say that Japan’s rigorous building codes and regulations saved thousands of lives. Or as Republican here saw it, it fostered a socialist anti-business environment that’s worse than being dead.” – Bill Maher

“It turns out that the Republican budget that they submitted for next year slashes funding for the agency that issues tsunami warnings and organizes responses to the tsunami. In their defense, Republicans say that tsunamis are just a theory, they are not a real threat like ACORN, the Black Panthers, NPR, and math teachers in Wisconsin.” – Bill Maher

“Los Angeles residents are going to vote on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes.” – Conan O’Brien

“Due to the recession, there are now 15,000 fewer lawyers in the U.S. No one ever talks about the good things that come from a recession.” – Jay Leno

“Gov. Scott Walker is the new conservative hero. He could get the nomination for the Republican Party in 2012 because he has that special quality that every member of the Republican base can relate to — he’s a huge asshole.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter.” – Jimmy Fallon

“After 60 years of service the Dalai Lama is stepping down as the political leader of Tibet. He heard there was an opening on ‘Two and a Half Men.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Charlie Sheen — he’s our new national pastime. Sorry baseball, call me when your foul lines are drawn with coke.” – Stephen Colbert

“Charlie Sheen says he’s going to go to Haiti: ‘I want to show them what a real disaster looks like.'” – Conan O’Brien