Political Irony

“Gov. Scott Walker’s dispute with Wisconsin’s labor unions is making him unpopular with his constituents, who feel like he’s attacking his own people. That’s not good, because the only other guy doing that right now is Moammar Gadhafi.” – Jay Leno

“Protests continue in Libya. It was reported that most of the protests are being organized on a dating website, which explains why half the protest signs say ‘No Gadhafi’ and the other half say ‘No fatties.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Mexico’s president arrived in Washington. He’s here to do the work that American presidents won’t do.” – Jay Leno

“The president of Mexico, Felipe Calderon, visited the White House. He asked to meet with our country’s biggest importer of Mexican goods: Charlie Sheen.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Charlie Sheen joined Twitter and within two days, had 1.4 million people following him. To be fair, most of those people work for the Center for Disease Control.” – Conan O’Brien

“Charlie Sheen said that he’s now more popular than President Obama, at which point Mike Huckabee accused him of growing up in Kenya.” – Jay Leno

“Bill Clinton has turned down an offer to appear on ’30 Rock.’ He’s too busy mulling over an offer to star in ‘Two and a Half Men.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid now wants to outlaw prostitution. Let’s make politicians illegal and keep the hookers. At least they’re upfront about screwing you.” – Jay Leno

“A new report found that the U.S. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs. Another report found that the U.S. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a new book, the Pope exonerates the Jews for the death of Jesus. Well, not a moment too soon. He really nipped that one in the bud.” – Jay Leno

“Jessica Simpson’s various product lines are expected to gross over a billion dollars this year. How embarrassing is this for President Obama, that Jessica Simpson has a better business plan than he does?” – Jay Leno

“According to a new study, the average man in Britain will spend 10,000 hours in a bar and 11 years in front of the TV. In this country we know how to multitask. We drink our beer in front of the TV.” – Jay Leno

“I love tax season. My accountant says that I can save a lot of money if I declare my show a church.” – David Letterman

“The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.” – Conan O’Brien

“Oprah has been invited by Egypt’s new government to do a show from Cairo. So they’ve replaced one power-mad tyrant who’s been ruling for 30 years with another one.” – Conan O’Brien

“The U.N. is imposing a no-fly zone over Libya. Forget Libya, how about a no-fly zone over the Hello Deli?” – David Letterman

“Moammar Gadhafi gave a rambling speech that lasted nearly three hours. So now we know where all of Charlie Sheen’s cocaine went.” – Conan O’Brien

“Charlie’s two sons are now in the care of their mother in a safer place: Libya.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Charlie Sheen created a Twitter account to fill the gap between saying crazy things on television with saying crazy things online.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A hydroponic marijuana store is being opened in California and is being called ‘The Wal-Mart of Weed.’ It’s like a regular Wal-Mart except the greeter says, “Dude, have you seen Greg?” – Conan O’Brien

“Happy Independence Day to Texas. For 9 years, Texas was its own country. I think Texans still consider themselves another country.” – Craig Ferguson

“A man in New Orleans wrote a new musical about Hurricane Katrina. It’s so cool that FEMA says it plans on going to see it a week after it closes.” – Jimmy Fallon

“On a rambling call to a TV station, Gadhafi ranted about his enemies and blamed others for his problems. He said he feels fine and is ready to go back to work. He’s now the Charlie Sheen of Libya.” – Jay Leno

“People complained that the Oscars were too dull. They’ve already named the hosts for next year: Charlie Sheen and Moammar Gadhafi.” – Conan O’Brien

“The latest rumor is that Moammar Gadhafi is calling other countries to find a place to live in exile. So far, only Chile has offered to rent out an empty mine.” – Jay Leno

“Moammar Gadhafi is blaming Osama bin Laden for all of Libya’s troubles. It’s going to be awkward when these two guys meet in hell.” – Conan O’Brien

“CBS has shut down Charlie Sheen’s show, ‘Two and a Half Men.’ Now I’m back to being CBS’ No. 1 paid embarrassment.” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin is going to India to make a speech. She’s hoping to visit some of those Indian casinos she’s heard so much about.” – Jay Leno

“People from all 50 states and 14 foreign countries have donated pizzas to the protesters in Wisconsin. Someone asked, “How can we fix things in Wisconsin?” and someone else said, “I know. More cheese.” – Conan O’Brien

“‘King Kong’ opened 78 years ago. It’s the story of a woman that gets carried away by an ape. The same thing happened to Maria Shriver.” – David Letterman