Political Irony

“The Lakers beat the Houston Rockets 89-70. This is the happiest people in LA have been to see somebody going back to Houston since George Bush left office.” – Jay Leno

“The former Vice President Dick Cheney is in town, ladies and gentlemen, in New York City. He’s here to see all of his favorite shows: ‘Phantom’, ‘Wicked’, ‘Stomp.'” – David Letterman

“Los Angeles will start a water rationing in June, which means Dick Cheney will only be allowed to waterboard guys two days a week now.” – Jay Leno

“Here’s something that I am very excited about. Joe Biden, the current vice president, was yakking away over the weekend. And he — remember when Dick Cheney was in an undisclosed location and everybody thought: Where? So supposedly top secret information, classified information. And Joe Biden just says, ‘No, I know where he was. He was hiding under his house. Joe Biden is living proof that people can give up sensitive information without being tortured.'” – David Letterman

“Well, another gaffe by Vice President Joe Biden. God bless Joe Biden. He’s been our savior here. Newsweek is reporting that at the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney’s secret hiding place. See, there’s more proof you don’t need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks.” – Jay Leno

“Fascinating. I mean, on the other hand, you wonder about a vice president who’s got a panic room. ‘It’s just the ice cream truck, Dick. You can come up.'” – David Letterman

“Actually, do you know what Dick Cheney’s secret location turned out to be? Under the Vice President’s house. Is that really a secret, huh? You’re in the basement, really? Our enemies never think to look behind the furnace. Ooh.” – Jay Leno

“Yeah, the underground dungeon is where Dick and his evil monks plotted to take over the Vatican.” – David Letterman

“And a Chicago company is now marketing hair products inspired by that idiot Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. This is real. This is the new product right here. It’s called Head & Swindler. Can you read the back? It says, ‘lather, rinse, impeach.’ It’s all right here.” – Jay Leno

“Ladies and gentlemen, there’s good news for the environment. They’re cleaning up the Hudson River. It had gotten so bad that the salmon actually had to swim upstream every year for their hepatitis shots.” – David Letterman

“General Motors announced they’re closing over a thousand dealerships. A lot of people are blaming GM’s new CEO, some guy named Barack Obama.” – Jay Leno

“On Saturday, President Obama went to Malia and Sasha’s soccer games. He rode to the games on Minivan One.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, as you know, President Obama spoke at a couple colleges this week. He told the graduates at Arizona State they should not lead their lives like Bernard Madoff. Well, sure, if you’re going to steal money and stay out of jail, become an executive at AIG That’s how you do it.” – Jay Leno

“In the new issue of Newsweek, they’re calling Barack Obama ‘Spock with global sex appeal,’ which is a bit of coincidence because Time magazine is calling Joe Biden ‘Chewbacca with fur plugs.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“And at his commencement speech at Notre Dame, President Obama said we should be doing everything we can to prevent unplanned pregnancies, to which John Edwards said, ‘Tell me about it.'” – Jay Leno

“Well, this is surprising. A new survey shows that the happiest Americans are elderly, male, and Republican. In other words, Republican.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This week marks the 54th anniversary of the invention of the credit card. See, before that, people practiced something called ‘living within their means’ — a foolish, foolish, outmoded way of life.” – Jay Leno

© Matt Davies

© Tom Tomorrow

A modest proposal for the future of the Republican Party after Obama destroys the country — from Pajamas Media:

What do I propose for a Republican Party that will be relevant in the future? I’m thinking we need to work towards becoming a loose confederation of warlords. In the post-apocalyptic wasteland, resources will be scarce and the strong will crush the weak — and frankly, those are conditions in which Republicans should thrive. The Republican Party will need to cement its rule through force, destroy the weak, and take their resources. Back to basics for the party, really.

And what about moderates? … We need all the moderates we can get to join us, because when everything goes to hell, they’ll be a great source of cheap labor and — in a worse case scenario — food. So for the future survival of the party, moderates are very important.

“Dick Cheney says that Rush Limbaugh is more of a Republican than Colin Powell. And I think, well, yeah, about 300 pounds more.'” – David Letterman

“John McCain’s mother was on TV last night saying she doesn’t like Rush Limbaugh. I think I speak for all: John McCain’s mother is still alive?” – Craig Ferguson

“Dick Cheney went to see the Tom Hanks film ‘Angels and Demons,’ and through the whole movie he’s screaming, ‘Go Demons! Go Demons.'” – David Letterman

“I’ll tell you what I’m pissed off at. Obama was speaking at Arizona State University, and they denied him an honorary degree, because his body of work, according to them, is ‘yet to come.’ This is Arizona State University, the ultimate dumbass party school? You know when strippers say they’re ‘working their way through college?’ This is the college. You can have a double major in binging and purging at this school. But Obama’s not good enough for an honorary degree. The first black president of the Harvard Law Review, got more votes than anyone who ever ran for president. He’s been on ‘Oprah!” – Bill Maher

“This Sunday, President Obama is receiving an honorary degree from the University of Notre Dame. Or as Obama calls it, safety school.” – Jimmy Fallon

“You think security in Washington is so good? A Capitol police report said that a drunken man spent several hours wandering through the Hart Senate Office Building late at night, after he parked his car in the garage, staggered into the building drunk, didn’t get stopped or challenged by anybody. Security didn’t do anything to the guy. In fact, they first realized he wasn’t a real senator when, after three hours, he hadn’t groped anybody, raised taxes or taken a bribe.” – Jay Leno

“Donald Trump announced Tuesday that despite the controversy over Miss California Carrie Prejean’s stand on gay marriage and racy pre-pageant photos, she will keep her crown. Hmm. Who would have ever imagined Donald Trump would side with the hot lady who likes to take her top off?” – Amy Poehler

“Well, let me ask you, have you noticed since this whole stupid topless Miss California thing started, we haven’t heard anything about the swine flu? Weren’t we all supposed to be dead by now?” – Jay Leno

“The World Health Organization said Thursday that the swine flu virus did not result from a laboratory accident. So you’re back on the hook, Fernando, the farmer who married a pig.'” – Amy Poehler

“A Canadian scientist was arrested for smuggling vials of Ebola into the U.S. And I’m telling you, this wouldn’t happen if the government would just legalize Ebola. You know? Been saying this for years.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, wants to ‘legalize the marijuana.’ He says that taxes on it will help raise money to balance the budget. Now, see, this can go one of two ways. Either California raises some revenue and balanced the budget, or California still goes broke, but everybody is too stoned to care. So, you see, it is a win-win, really.” – Jay Leno

“The NASA people have their own T.V. channel and you can watch what they are doing. So today, they flew up there in the space shuttle and changed cameras on the Hubble Telescope, the most powerful telescope in the history of the world. And yet, even the Hubble Telescope can still not see how Larry King stays on the air.” – David Letterman

“And yesterday at the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama said that the White House is a place where people should feel free to speak their mind. Except, of course, Joe Biden.'” – Jay Leno

“At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady Michelle hosted a night of poetry and music, featuring musicians, authors and poets. So maybe that’s a sign the economy is starting to turn around, huh? When poets start working again? When poets get a job? That’s a good sign.” – Jay Leno

“Did you guys see Oprah’s show today? On Oprah’s show today, she gave everyone in her audience a free Chrysler dealership. It was so nice of her. It was under the seat.'” – Jimmy Fallon