“It is our first show back since the Obama administration. Or, as Rush Limbaugh calls it, ‘End Times.'” -Bill Maher
“I’ve got to tell you people, I’m a little nervous tonight. We started 16 years ago with ‘Politically Incorrect’ in 1993, moved over here to HBO with ‘Real Time’ in 2003. In all those years, I’ve never done a monologue where the president wasn’t either a horny hillbilly or an illiterate dumbass. … This is challenging, and it hasn’t quite set in that Obama is president. I’m still writing ‘F**k George Bush’ on my checks.” -Bill Maher
“Well, he’s had quite an opening. Been a month in office — he signed the stimulus bill, he closed Guantanamo Bay, ordered the planning of our withdrawing from Iraq — it’s like he’s spraying the country with a giant can of ‘Bush Be-Gone.'” -Bill Maher
“Yeah, he just this week signed a $787 billion stimulus bill, he proposed a $250 billion housing rescue package. He’s been in office a month, and he’s dropped a trillion dollars. Is that black enough for you?” -Bill Maher
“But what a task this guy has. He’s got, on the one hand, to tell the people the truth. And on the other hand, try to lift our morale. Bill Clinton said today, you know, come on, lift morale, get out there and sell the hope thing, you know, that hope shit you’ve got. And both sides of the aisle are saying this. We have finally found something Democrats and Republicans agree that the president needs to do: lie.” -Bill Maher
“And he does, because, I mean, some of our nations largest banks have been described this week as ‘dead men walking.’ The New York Times says they are insolvent, and here’s the thing. Nobody will say the names of the banks, because you say the names, their stock will tank even worse. But here’s a hint: one of them rhymes with ‘s**tty bank,’ and the other rhymes with ‘skank of America.'” -Bill Maher
“I’ll hold my powder to the end, but really, it is a bad sign. I tried to withdraw $60 yesterday, and my ATM said, ‘you know, I’ve got to move some things around.'” -Bill Maher
“These banks are hurting. I opened a new account, and the lady asked me for a toaster.” –Bill Maher
“No, but it’s hurting everyone all over. You heard about this, the Oscars are going to be a lot less gaudy this year. The Oscars, where I’m a presenter this year … in the category I should have been nominated in. … No, my money is on ‘Slumdog Millionaire,’ which is also what I call my broker” -Bill Maher
“The whole cast of ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ came out to see the Oscars. ‘Slumdog’ won best picture, which everyone seemed to know was going to happen. It was the big favorite going in. They’re saying the only way it could have possibly lost is if it had picked Sarah Palin as a running mate.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“The Oscars are kind of a special time in Hollywood. It’s a time when celebrities take a break from worshipping Barack Obama and take some time to worship themselves.” -Jay Leno
“The new chairman of the Republican party, Michael Steele, says that he wants to bring a greater Republican presence to the urban setting. Yeah. Well, there’s already a Republican presence in the urban setting. He’s called the landlord. He comes around every month.” -Jay Leno
“Our Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in China. She met with a group of children today. And she told them, ‘You kids are doing a great job making those pantsuits. They’re really fantastic.'” -Jay Leno
“And at his trial this week, the Iraqi journalist, remember the one who threw his shoes at President Bush, remember that guy? Well, he said he rehearsed the attack for two years, rehearsed it for two years, even videotaped himself doing it. Well, how embarrassing is that? Guy practiced for two years and he still missed?” -Jay Leno
