Blagojevich
“The state Senate in Illinois stayed in session today to finish the impeachment trial of Governor Rod Blagojevich, who decided to show up today. He spoke for 47 minutes before they were able to nab him with a butterfly net and some Aqua Net.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Blagojevich was impeached today back there in Springfield. And he spoke in his defense at the impeachment proceedings, spoke for 47 minutes. And it really took its toll on the guy, because afterwards, they had to rush him to the emergency room at Supercuts.” -David Letterman
“Things are really looking bad for Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Political experts are wondering what his future will hold. But on the bright side for Blagojevich, he has been offered a job as the ‘before’ picture at Supercuts.” -Conan O’Brien
“Huge, huge winter storm in some parts of the country. In fact, it was so cold in Chicago, they froze out Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich.” -Jay Leno
“Cold everywhere. Listen how cold it is. It is so cold out in Illinois, the state of Illinois impeached Al Roker.” -David Letterman
“Our studio audience might not know this, but a couple hours ago, Gov. Blagojevich was convicted and removed from office by a vote of 59-0. So close! So that’s one corrupt politician down, 126,388 to go.” -Jay Leno
“Blagojevich showed that a high-ranking politician in the United States can be disgraced without hookers or gay sex in a public bathroom and I think that’s refreshing, right?” -Jimmy Kimmel
But it’s not over, because Blagojevich could still go to jail. In fact, he’ll be the first Illinois governor to go to jail since the last one, and the one before that, then there were a couple more.” -Jay Leno
“It’s a bad day for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. The state senate kicked him out. So today, Blagojevich did what any smart criminal in Illinois would do. He asked Oprah for a pardon.” -Craig Ferguson
“Oh, boy, the Illinois senators were mad — 59-0. Not only was he Blagojevich convicted, his hairdresser was given the death penalty.” -Jay Leno
“Have you taken a good look at this Rod Blagojevich? I mean, he looks like the producer of an adult entertainment awards show. … Blagojevich looks like your wife’s ex-husband. … Blagojevich looks like the guy at the high school reunion who knows everything about you and you have no idea who he is. … Blagojevich looks like the guy that goes to a family barbeque and criticizes how you arrange the charcoal. … Blagojevich looks like a guy who claims to know Jon Lovitz.” -David Letterman
“So now, the lieutenant governor of Illinois will move up and he’ll be sworn in. And Blagojevich still doesn’t get it. Like when he heard the lieutenant governor was going to get his seat, he said, ‘You mean for free?'” -Jay Leno
“This Blagojevich, I would not give this guy’s troubles to a monkey on a rock. It is one headache after another for this Blagojevich. It turns out, next month, his hair goes digital.” -David Letterman
“There’s now growing proof that some of the relief money that was supposed to help victims of the huge earthquake in China was actually siphoned off by corrupt officials. In fact, one corrupt official, Chang Blagojevich, was arrested today.” -Jay Leno
Obama and the Economy
“According to a new study in the journal ‘Social Science Quarterly,’ people who grow up with unpopular and strange sounding names are much more likely to be unsuccessful in life. I’ll remember to tell that to President Barack Hussein Obama.” -Jay Leno
“ABC says they will probably cancel the sitcom ‘According to Jim,’ which means Barack Obama’s message of hope is already working.” -Conan O’Brien
“And anybody who has kids, of course, is nervous about the Obama girls, who have had to change homes and change schools. And it is just crazy. But the good news is the girls love living in the White House. They do have one complaint, though. Sometimes, at midnight, when the moon is full, they can hear the squeaking hinges on Dick Cheney’s coffin.” -David Letterman
“Meanwhile, our president, President Obama, will make his first trip overseas to Canada next month. It’s an historic visit, not just because it’s his first foreign trip, but because he’ll be the first black person ever to visit Canada.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Obama is going because Canada is such an important friend to the United States and because he always wanted to visit the birth place of Alan Thicke.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“According to a new study, there’s been an increase in the number of illegal Mexican immigrants living in Canada. Yeah. Yeah, you got the hand it to them. That must be some tunnel.” -Conan O’Brien
“President Obama says he needs nearly a trillion dollars to help kick start the economy. That’s a lot of money. Do you realize with that money, you could give every man and woman and child in this country $3,300? Or you could buy shoes for everyone in South America for life. Or you could cover the New York Yankees’ payroll for a season and a half.” -Jay Leno
“Oh, here’s good news. I guess the House of Representatives has passed President Obama’s stimulus package. And then I guess it goes through the Senate. And if that’s passed, then that $800 billion, just disappears. Have no idea where it goes.” -David Letterman
“You know it’s interesting, when Bill Clinton needed stimulus for his package, he just called an intern.” -David Letterman
“And because of the tough economic times, the ‘LA Daily News’ is no longer sending a sportswriter to cover games played by NBA basketball’s LA Clippers. So I guess covering Clipper games falls under Obama’s new law banning torture.” -Jay Leno
Rush to Judgement
“As you know, President Obama has outlawed torture. Although, he said, ‘After listening to Rush Limbaugh, maybe I was a little too hasty.'” -Jay Leno
“In Washington, in response to President Obama’s stimulus package, Rush Limbaugh proposed his own stimulus package. That’s true. You see, that’s what this country needs. What we need is a stimulus package proposed by a fat DJ. That’s what’s going to set the country back on track.” -Craig Ferguson
“Actually, Rush Limbaugh’s stimulus package is just a package containing a big bottle of stimulants.” -Craig Ferguson
“Ooh, it’s getting nasty now between President Obama and Rush Limbaugh. In fact, Limbaugh told his radio audience he’s not going to ‘bend over’ and grab his ankles just because Barack Obama is black. Well, you know, let’s take race out of it for a minute. Now, honestly, regardless of who’s president, do you think there’s any chance in hell Rush Limbaugh could bend over and grab his ankles?” -Jay Leno
Echos of Dubya
“This week, on CNN, they have been showing a blueprint, all week, of the White House to help viewers visualize the layout of the West Wing. Yeah, when he saw it, former President Bush said, ‘So that’s where the bathroom was.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Dick Cheney, you know, he’s in retirement now. But he’s not just sitting around, taking it easy, oh, no. He’s active. He’s got things going on. For example, he booked himself on the show, ‘Sneering with the Stars.'” -David Letterman
“On this date in 2002, President Bush, do you remember this, the axis of evil speech? Do you remember his axis of evil? Do you remember what the axis of evil was? Iran, Iraq, Dick Cheney. That was the axis of evil right there.” -David Letterman
“And former secretary of state, Condoleezza Rice, is readjusting to life as a private citizen. God, you think after eight years of tense talks with hostile tyrants, she would have had enough, but no, today, she was on ‘The View.'” -Jay Leno
