Political Irony

“With all this financial panicking going on, President Bush held a press conference and told everyone to take a deep breath. That’s a good advice, huh? The economy is tanking and he’s giving Lamaze classes. Very good. Isn’t that what he told the people of New Orleans when the water was rising? ‘Just take a deep breath and try to hold it for as long you can.'” -Jay Leno

“President Bush said in his press conference our nation’s troubled financial system is basically sound. Really? I mean, banks have folded, mortgage lenders are going under. Basically sound? I think ‘basically screwed’.” -Jay Leno

“Well, you know what’s interesting, McCain has admitted he does not use email or the internet. Yeah. He says he’s never really found the need to use e-mail ’cause if people want to reach him they can just get him on his CB radio.” -Jay Leno

“Listen to this, John McCain has now vowed to capture Osama bin Laden. Well, by God, I’m glad that’s settled.” -David Letterman

“According to a new poll — true story — most voters think Barack Obama has a better smile than John McCain. That’s what they’re saying. They say he has a better smile than John McCain. Yeah, apparently, this is because McCain takes his smile out every night and puts it in a glass of water.” -Conan O’Brien

“Of course, presidential race is on everyone’s mind. Barack Obama works hard the wants to stay in shape. Presidential nominee Barack Obama has been going to the gym. He’s also been playing hours of basketball. Yeah. Meanwhile, John McCain has joined a group of mall walkers.” -Conan O’Brien

“According to the latest Reuters-Zogby poll, 10% of Americans are giving President Bush’s economic policy the thumbs up. The other 90% [are] using a different finger.” -Jay Leno

“You know, sometimes when President Bush speaks, he does not use the best choice of words. You know? Like, today, he said the financial institutions are basically sound, and you can take that to the bank.” -Jay Leno

“Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke testified before Congress yesterday. I don’t want to say the financial situation doesn’t look good, but he testified via satellite from the Cayman Islands.” -Jay Leno

“See, here’s the part I don’t understand. The feds say federal institutions are in trouble for giving money to those already in debt. That’s the problem. They gave money to those already in debt. So, why are we paying taxes? Who’s more in debt than the government? What, are they $9 trillion in debt? We’re giving them more money? We’re enablers. We need to stop this.” -Jay Leno

“Oil prices have dropped again, making it the third day in a row. Apparently, somebody forgot to tell the guy who owns the gas station near my house. Analysts say they’re not sure why oil prices are falling. But, today, Dick Cheney vowed to get to the bottom of this. Heads will roll!” -Jay Leno

© R.J. Matson

Bush seems to be stealing Obama’s foreign policy strategy:

© Tom Toles

“Today on television, President Bush assured Americans that he is taking steps to resolve the financial crisis. Well, that’s good enough for me. Come on, let’s go to the park.” -David Letterman

“President Bush lifted the presidential ban on offshore drilling that was imposed by his father, the first President Bush, 18 years ago. But hey, remember Bush’s dad also said invading Iraq would be a huge disaster, and cutting taxes would ruin the economy, so what the hell did he know?” -Jay Leno

“In a brand new interview, John McCain admits that his staff has to show him websites because he has trouble getting on the Internet by himself. That’s what he said. Yeah, yesterday McCain tried to surf the Internet for half an hour before his staff told him he was actually holding an Etch-A-Sketch.” -Conan O’Brien

“John McCain in the news for the second time. For the second time in two days, John McCain has referred to current events in Czechoslovakia, a country that officially ceased to exist in 1993. Yeah. Afterwards, McCain said, ‘You know, the same thing happened the last time I went to Mesopotamia.” -Conan O’Brien

“Barack Obama’s two daughters are very excited, because I guess Barack Obama promised the kids that after the election he’s going to get them a dog. That’s the thing, they’re all excited, he’s going to get them a dog after the election. And the good news — Jesse Jackson has offered to neuter it, so I think that’s terrific.” -Jay Leno

“Remember Jesse Jackson speaking, when he thought the microphone was off, said he’d like to cut Barack Obama’s testicles off. And in a rare example of bipartisan support, Republican Senator Larry Craig of Idaho offered to guard them for Obama. How about that?” -Jay Leno

“John McCain’s economic adviser, former Texas Senator Phil Gramm, was also coming under fire for calling America a ‘nation of whiners.’ That’s what he said, we are a nation of whiners. President Bush weighed on the issue today, again he doesn’t understand these things. Bush said today we are not whiners, the average American still prefers beer.” -Jay Leno

“You can read more about the Phil Gramm-influenced McCain plan to fix the economy in his new position paper ‘Walk It Off, America: My Ten-Point Plan For You Pussies to Learn To Suck it Up.’ Seriously! Phil Gramm’s comment is offensive in two ways. One, it’s insensitive, and two, how does an economic expert not understand, that most of our whining jobs have already gone to India.” -Jon Stewart

“Folks, Senator Barack Obama left his church in May, but questions still linger about his religion. According to a new Pew Research Poll, since March, the number of people who believe Obama is Muslim has increased by 2%, and strangely, the number who believe he’s Jewish has gone from none to 1%. Wow, you play Tevye in one Congressional production of ‘Fiddler on the Roof,’ and you’re typecast for life” -Stephen Colbert

“In a speech yesterday, Barack Obama called for African-Americans to be better parents. Yeah. That’s what he said. Obama said not all black children can be raised by Angelina Jolie. You have to do your part. That’s what he said. That’s a quote.” -Conan O’Brien

“Tonight is a night of celebration. This great land we live in has reached an exciting milestone in the war on terror. The terror watch list is hitting the big 1-0-0-0-0-0, oh! You know that expression ‘kick ass and take names?’ It turns out this country is really good at one of those. We take a lot of names. It really is an incredible accomplishment.” -Jon Stewart

“Let’s try and put it in perspective if we can. A million people on the terrorist watch list. If you were to take all the people that our government suspects of terrorism and stack them, one on top of the other, that would be considered an acceptable method of interrogation, according to the Justice Department.” -Jon Stewart

“With a million names on the list, how do you find out if you are on the list? If you are a terrorist? If you are being watched? It’s very simple. Go online and Google the ‘terrorist screening database’ and scroll down to the end. By the time you get to the end, you’ll probably be on it.” -Jon Stewart

Jones Cola Company has a new way to buy an election. Well, at least their soft drinks.

They are selling four kinds of cola: for Obama, McCain, Clinton, and Paul, and encourage you to vote for your candidate by purchasing their drink (regardless of age or residency, they helpfully remind you). Unfortunately, their democracy isn’t cheap, at around $2.50 a bottle.

So far, Obama is leading by a 3-to-1 margin, and Paul has a slight lead over Clinton.