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Late Night Humor

“Al Gore for a while was vice president, and he had the book and the film, ‘Inconvenient Truth,’ which was about climate change. Well, they’re turning that ‘Inconvenient Truth’ into an opera. Al Gore and opera – are you kidding? Cut me a slice of that! Let’s go! But they had some trouble and they have postponed the opening of that opera. Apparently, the composer is having trouble finding a rhyme for low emission hybrid.” -David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton’s camp says she is not actively seeking the vice presidential nomination. Passive-aggressively seeking it, yes.” -Jay Leno

Well, according to the most recent survey, 14% of the people believe that we will see $5 a gallon gas by the end of the year. $5 a gallon. The other 86% think we’ll see it by the end of the week.” -Jay Leno

“You know, I don’t want to say the oil companies are screwing people, but full service now includes KY Jelly.” -Jay Leno

“Saudi Arabia announced they will call a meeting of all the OPEC nations and promised to crack down on the high gas prices. Well, let’s hope it’s as successful as the Saudi crackdown on terrorism.” -Jay Leno

“I think Hillary may secretly be glad that this whole thing is over. ‘Cause now she can go back to doing what she loves the most: huntin’, drinkin’ whiskey, shootin’, get back to her roots, as we saw. Well, the good news is Hillary is on Barack Obama’s list for potential vice presidents. Yeah. The bad news, she’s just a little bit below theReverend Wright.” -Jay Leno

“Hey, did you all see Hillary’s concession speech over the weekend? Very good. She gave a lovely, lovely speech. She was gracious, very complimentary. And she said she wanted Barack Obama to win, and then she hugged her husband, Bill. Then the Secret Service grabbed her, threw her to the ground and said, ‘What have you done with the real Senator Clinton? Who are you?'” -Jay Leno

“You know, I’ll tell you, things are not good. The price of oil doubled in less than a year. Home foreclosures are at a record high. Unemployment is surging. But yesterday we saw a ray of hope. President Bush left the country. So maybe things will get better.” -Jay Leno

“President Bush gave a big speech today in Europe. He says he regrets giving the false impression that he is not a man of peace. But see, that’s the problem. You start one or two little wars, and right away, oh everybody jumps to conclusions.” -Jay Leno

“President Bush is in Europe right now, on a tour of Germany, Italy, France, England, and several other countries that hate him. While he’s gone, don’t worry, America safe and sound in the more competent hands of Barney, the White House terrier. I guess it’s sort of like a farewell tour for the president, before he returns home to kick off his six-month good riddance tour here.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Music legend Bob Dylan, who is maybe the most respected person in all of music, he told the Times of London today that he supports Barack Obama. Or at least they think that’s what he said, he may have been trying to book a flight to Omaha.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A high school in Ohio passed out over 300 diplomas last week. And on the diploma, the word ‘education’ was spelled wrong. Yeah. Officials say the misprint should not harm the reputation of George W. Bush high school.” -Conan O’Brien

“Barack Obama said his differences with Hillary Clinton are, ‘infinitesimal, tiny, minute, trivial and inconsequential.’ That’s what he said, yeah. When he heard this, President Bush said, ‘That guy knows way too many words to be president.'” -Conan O’Brien

“According to the Washington Post, Barack Obama and actress Scarlett Johansson are email buddies. Apparently they email each other back and forth. So, you’ve got a 23-year-old gorgeous, blonde actress emailing a married presidential candidate. Well, what could go wrong there? Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury.” -Jay Leno

“John McCain is campaigning very hard. Every day I pick up the newspaper, he’s someplace else. He’s got a new strategy. Well John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he’ll meet with the public. Yeah, it’s all part of McCain’s ‘Speak Up, I Can’t Hear You’ tour.” -Conan O’Brien

“John McCain has a new slogan. ‘A Leader We Can Believe In.’ That’s a good slogan. Don’t confuse that with President Bush’s slogan, ‘We Can’t Believe He’s Our Leader.'” -Jay Leno