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Late Night Humor

“After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born.” -Jon Stewart

“Hey, did you see [Barack Obama] playing basketball with our troops in Iraq? Did you see that one shot he made from 40 feet? 40 feet. Let me tell you something. If shooting baskets now is a requirement to be president, a white guy may never have that job again.” -Jay Leno

“Barack Obama is very popular in the Middle East. I guess a lot of people over there saw the cover of the New Yorker.” -Jay Leno

“This is Barack’s third day in the Middle East, and President Bush says he has no timetable for bringing him back home.” -Jay Leno

“John McCain called a press conference today. Unfortunately, all the press were out of the country covering Obama. You know … I feel kind of sorry for McCain. I mean, all day on TV, they show nothing but footage of Barack Obama touring the Middle East, being with the troops in Afghanistan, meeting with troops in Iraq. The only time I saw McCain on TV was when Willard Scott wished him a happy birthday on the ‘Today’ show.” -Jay Leno

“A lot of people think, to take some of the spotlight off of Barack Obama, that John McCain will announce his vice presidential choice this week. And most think it’s gonna be Mitt Romney. See, I don’t know. You know, when Romney and McCain stand together, doesn’t it look like one of those slick Countrywide lenders trying to trick your grandfather into reverse mortgage?” -Jay Leno

“Barack Obama is behaving very presidentially now. He’s in the Middle East, and he met today with the leaders of Israel and Jordan. And not to be outdone, earlier today, John McCain was in the park playing checkers with Ed Koch.” -David Letterman

“NBC News defended their coverage of Barack Obama. They’ve been accused of giving him more favorable treatment than John McCain. And today NBC News denied it. They said, ‘That’s ridiculous, we’ve never even heard of John McCain.'” -Jay Leno

“But people in the Middle East, you know, they love this Barack Obama, and I think the reason that they love the guy is because finally, [there’s] a guy who can pronounce Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.” -David Letterman

“John McCain … said that the problem is that the border between Iraq and Afghanistan — they share a common border, that’s what he was saying. Mistakenly said that Iraq and Afghanistan have a common border, and I thought, well, no wonder we can’t find Osama Bin Laden — we’ve been searching an imaginary border.” -David Letterman

“Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is calling the Bush presidency a total failure. Total failure. I don’t know, I think he’s done okay. I think he’s done okay if you don’t count Iraq, the economy, the environment, Afghanistan, the mortgage crisis. I think he’s done all right…” -David Letterman

“The deficit. Gas prices. Hurricane Katrina. Illegal wire tapping…” -David Letterman

“The national debt. Tainted food. Failure to catch bin Laden. CIA leaks. Other than that, I think it’s been pretty good” -David Letterman

“Barack Obama was in Israel today. Did you see Barack wearing the traditional Jewish yarmulke? He looked very Jewish. Yeah. In fact, Jesse Jackson said, I’d like to circumcise him.” -Jay Leno

“Nation, lately, all the economic news has been bad. First, the government had to prop up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. It is our own fault for naming our lending institutions after the starts of ‘Hee Haw.’ Then there was Indymac, the third-largest bank failure in U.S. history. Without Indymac, where will indie bands put all the money they’re not making? Folks, it’s getting so these days I’m keeping all my assets under my mattress, which is fitting, because I’m heavily invested in old Playboys. Most disturbing of all, last week, the dollar hit another record low against the Euro. The Euro is now worth $1.57. To put that into perspective, that’s more than a dollar.” -Stephen Colbert