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Late Night Humor

“Yesterday, Barack Obama was in the Fatherland. John McCain was in Grandfather Land.” -Jay Leno

“Barack Obama is in France today. And again, McCain doing everything to compete with him. Like today, he ordered the French toast combo at IHOP.” -Jay Leno

“You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States.” -David Letterman

“Barack Obama’s upset. Did you hear about this? He’s angry, ’cause the other day in Israel, someone revealed the contents of a private prayer that Obama inserted into Jerusalem’s Western Wall. It’s supposed to be private, and someone opened it up and revealed it, yeah. Experts say it’s even worse than the time the Washington Post printed President Bush’s letter to Santa.” -Conan O’Brien

“Did you hear about this? The Dalai Lama had a near-death experience today. He met with John McCain.” -Jay Leno

“You see where John McCain met with the Dalai Lama? That was pretty amazing. Yeah, the man millions believe goes back to the seventh century standing next to the Dalai Lama.” -Jay Leno

“Poor John McCain. The media is so in love. They’re all over Barack Obama. And McCain can’t get any media attention. Did you see what McCain did today? He kept getting in and out of his limo today with no underwear on, just to get the photographers.” -Jay Leno

“It is tough seeing your old flame with someone new. John McCain and the media had a very hot fling back in the summer of 2000. They even had cute little nicknames for each other. The press called McCain ‘maverick,’ and McCain called the press any time he wanted favorable coverage.” -Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday, federal immigration officials arrested 43 illegal immigrants from Mexico in Hawaii! In Hawaii! How lost were they? Boy! And today, President Bush called for building a fence around Hawaii.” -Jay Leno

“And in Puerto Rico, it is Constitution Day. It is Constitution Day in Puerto Rico. So, that’s where the constitution went. I knew we weren’t using it anymore.” -Jay Leno

“They said on the news earlier tonight that this political campaign has only 100 days left. Only! Anybody complaining that this thing was dragging out? Oh, not quick enough? … Only 100 days left. Oh, God! 100 Days. I don’t know what’s less likely, Barack Obama getting enough experience in 100 days, or John McCain living another 100 days.” -Jay Leno