Political Irony

“By the way, did you hear this? This just in, a backwoods hiker has found the wreckage of John McCain’s campaign.” -David Letterman

“Big announcement today. John McCain’s campaign, I don’t know if you heard this, has closed their offices in Michigan, and they say they won’t try to compete for votes there. That’s the latest. Yeah, apparently, this is part of McCain’s strategy to try to win votes only in the original 13 colonies. Focus on your strengths. He’s going to campaign by horseback” -Conan O’Brien

“John McCain has pulled out of Michigan. I guess the surge wasn’t working. Yup, this is stunning to me. John McCain blew off Michigan. Well, I know how they feel. Maybe you noticed that all of John McCain’s problems began when he bailed out on this show? Were you aware of that? The road to the White House runs right through here.” -David Letterman

“Nation, what a debate last Thursday. Both candidates surpassed expectations. Sarah Palin proved she could speak, and Joe Biden proved he could stop speaking.” -Stephen Colbert

“According to a new survey, only 25% of Americans think Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, which sounds bad, but only 10% think Bush is qualified. So, it’s really not that bad.” -Jay Leno

“Are you excited about Sarah Palin? Well, yesterday she referred to Afghanistan as our neighboring country. Apparently, she can see bin Laden’s cave from her house.” -David Letterman

During the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin would wink a couple of times when she delivered a line. Did you see that? She’d kinda wink and try to use a little sex appeal. See, the other candidates could never get away with that. Like, if Barack Obama winked, that would seen as too condescending. If Joe Biden winked, it’d be too creepy. And if McCain started winking, everybody would think he was having a stroke.” -Jay Leno

“And now she’s going crazy, Sarah Palin, she is ready to go, she is saying now, the heels are on, and the gloves are off. And that’s the kind of thing that used to cost Eliot Spitzer a thousand bucks.” -David Letterman

“In Bangkok, a candidate for governor beat up a TV reporter for asking him tough questions. Today, Sarah Palin said, ‘You can do that? Where’s Katie Couric?'” -Jay Leno

“During the debate the other night, the moderator asked Sarah Palin to describe her Achilles heel, but instead of talking about her biggest weakness, she talked about her greatest strength, which apparently is not answering questions.” -Jay Leno

“I don’t know, should we talk about the stock market? Oh my gosh, today, talk about your roller coaster, dropped 800 points. Whoa, so thank you, bailout rescue plan. Thank you very much.” -David Letterman

“Well, this is not good. This week, the Labor Department announced 159,000 people lost their jobs last month. Worst job loss in five years. But here’s the ironic part, all 435 members of Congress still have their jobs. How does that work out?” -Jay Leno

“And Richard Fuld, the former CEO of Lehman Brothers was grilled by Congress today. And they made him explain why he took $480 million in compensation, when he knew some shareholders would lose their life savings. Turns out, he had a good reason. Apparently, he is a greedy bastard.” -Jay Leno

“The price of oil dropped below $90 a barrel today. I guess the oil companies backed off screwing the American public now that the federal government has taken on the job. The government can handle it now, we’ve screwed them enough. … Well, President Bush said this is good, the price falling, because see now people can afford to drive the cars they’re living in.” -Jay Leno