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Late Night Political Humor

The Economy

“Former President Jimmy Carter blasted President Bush, blaming the financial crisis on him. Carter called this the worst financial crisis since the Carter administration. Good news, the stock market went up over 900 points today. That’s good news. This is the best thing to happen to the John McCain campaign since … actually, it’s the first good thing to happen to McCain.” -Jay Leno

“Today’s Columbus Day, the day we celebrate Christopher Columbus discovering America, or as it is now known, “a fixer-upper.” -David Letterman

“Happy Columbus Day, everybody. Today is Columbus Day, which means all the banks are closed. At least I think that’s why they’re closed. God, you realize Columbus is the only person to have closed more banks than President Bush. Isn’t that amazing?” -Jay Leno

“A lot of things on sale on Columbus Day. You can get a good deal on a dining room set, mattresses, General Motors.” -David Letterman

“You know, do you think President Bush really understands any of this stuff? Like today, he was asked about General Motors. And he said, ‘I think he’s doing a fine job in Iraq.'” -Jay Leno

“This weekend, the leaders of the world’s richest countries got together to discuss the global economic meltdown. Yeah. President Bush wanted to go to the meeting, but after last week, the U.S. is no longer one of the world’s richest countries.” -Conan O’Brien

“President Bush, I think he said this in his weekly radio address, he said about the economic crisis, President Bush said, ‘It’s a good thing I’m in charge.’ And I know that’s what we’re all thinking.” -David Letterman

“But Bush says he’s going to tweak the financial package. He’s going to tweak the financial bailout. That’s what he’s doing now. He’s tweaking that financial bailout. That’s like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu.” -David Letterman

“Bush is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better soon. And I was thinking well sure, in three months he’ll be out of office.” -David Letterman

“The average price of a gallon of gas has had its biggest drop ever this week also. It’s now down to $3.30 a gallon. Remember $3.30 a gallon? That’s the price you used to get outraged about a year ago.” -Jay Leno

The Campaign

“The third presidential debate is Wednesday night, and John McCain says he’s going to win. Of course, he also told Custer the surge was working.” -David Letterman

“There is more good news, folks. Today the Dow made a comeback, gaining 936 points! Henry Paulson’s plan to change his plan to whatever the Europeans are planning is working. That is such a big one-day jump. I wouldn’t be surprised if John McCain resumed his campaign.” -Stephen Colbert

“The presidential race is starting to get very ugly here towards the very end. Yesterday, just yesterday, a congressman from Georgia said that John McCain’s personal attacks on Barack Obama are ‘sowing the seeds of hatred.’ Yeah, McCain responded by saying, ‘I’m 73. I haven’t sowed any seeds in 30 years. Back off.'” -Conan O’Brien

“But it’s going to be a big week for John McCain. Don’t kid yourself. Today and tomorrow he will be campaigning. Wednesday is the debate and then Thursday he cancels on me again” -David Letterman

“This is kind of interesting. Optical shops have sold out of the sexy eyeglass frames that Sarah Palin wears. You know those? They’re all sold out. And women’s clothing stores are sold out of the pretty dress that Michelle Obama has been wearing in her interviews. That’s all sold out, too. However, a plastic surgeon said today they still have a warehouse full of those Joe Biden-type hair plugs. They got cases of those.” -Jay Leno

Sarah Palin

“You probably saw this on the news. A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama is an Arab. And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward, because McCain had to tell her, ‘Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.'” -Jay Leno

“Not been a good weekend for Governor Palin. In a 263-page report, Alaskan officials said she abused the powers of her office, and that was an ethics violation. Wow, she’s only been on the national scene a month, already has an ethics violation? Who said she’s not ready for Washington?” -Jay Leno

“Newsweek magazine’s being criticized, because last week’s cover featured a very unflattering picture of Sarah Palin. Yeah, Palin says it’s the worst thing the press has done to her since the time they made her answer a question.” -Conan O’Brien

“Sarah Palin, John McCain’s running mate, over the weekend she went to Philadelphia and dropped the first puck for the beginning of the NHL season. And I thought well, I bet she probably needed a break, had to get away from reading every newspaper and magazine. Because you don’t even know how much time that takes.” -David Letterman

“Over the weekend, Sarah Palin was booed at a Philadelphia Flyers hockey game. According to ABC News, the booing was so loud, they cranked the music up to deafening levels to drown it out. And to make it even more awkward, once they cranked up the music, McCain started yelling, ‘Turn that crap down!'” -Jay Leno

“You can tell every now and then that Sarah Palin spends a lot of time in Alaska, because when after she dropped the first puck at the hockey game, she cut a hole in the ice and began to fish.” -David Letterman

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