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Late Night Political Humor

“Barack Obama made his first trip as president to England. Here is my question. If the President is in England, who’s running General Motors?” – Jay Leno

“Anybody here got a General Motors car? Well, look out for this guy, this Barack Obama. He comes in, doesn’t like what he sees at General Motors and tells the C.E.O., Rick Wagoner, to take a hike. Wagoner, however, got a $20 million bonus. But the good news is the 20 million was in G.M. stock.” – David Letterman

“And there was kind of an awkward moment yesterday as President Obama was leaving to go to the G-20 summit. Hillary Clinton called and said, ‘Can I run the country while you’re gone? Please, can I?'” – Jay Leno

“As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and zero percent financing.” – Jay Leno

“But they got rid of Rick Wagoner, so G.M. has a new C.E.O. Frederick Henderson is the guy’s name and you wonder if they looked into this guy. He didn’t come to work. His first day on the job and he didn’t come to work. You know why the new head of G.M. didn’t come to work today? Carsick.” – David Letterman

“You know what’s interesting? Today, a reporter in Crawford, Texas, asked former President George Bush how he felt about General Motors and Bush said, ‘You know, since I left office, I don’t really follow the Iraq war anymore.'” – Jay Leno

“Actually, President Obama says that G.M. filing for bankruptcy may be the best alternative. He said that bankruptcy is a good legal tool for a company not to have to pay creditors back, which sounds great until you realize, hey wait a minute, we’re the creditors! Great, so you want to help them not pay us back. I mean, even A.I.G. is going, ‘Why didn’t we think of this?'” – Jay Leno

“So, it’s pretty crazy. Look, we’re bailing out Wall Street, we’re bailing out banks, we’re bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there’s a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?” – Jay Leno

“Thousands of people showed up in London to protest this G-20 economic summit. Protesters smashed windows at the Bank of Scotland. Did you see it on the news? The banks were closed. The windows were all boarded up. It looked like our banks.” – Jay Leno

“A lot of excitement there, though, at the G20 summit. They are giving away a door prize. Yeah, this year, it’s Iceland.” – David Letterman

“It’s a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That’s quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama is in London right now for a meeting with 19 other world leaders. This morning, he and the First Lady met Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace. He gave her an iPod as a gift, which is perfect. Now she can listen to Lil Wayne on the treadmill without anyone bothering her.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A British genealogist who traced President Obama’s roots claimed Obama is related to the royal family. Well, did you see President Obama standing with Prince Charles? If those ears are any indication, I think they may be related.” – Jay Leno

“Britain’s Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, asked President Obama if he ever played darts. And Obama said: ‘Sure I play darts. How do you think I picked my Cabinet?'” – David Letterman

“President Obama visited Buckingham Palace and he met with the Queen of England, and here’s what they did. They briefly shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. I mean, it was just like my honeymoon.” – David Letterman

“And more embarrassment for the President. Just a few weeks after President Obama named Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius as his Health and Human Services nominee, she now reveals she owes over $7,000 in back taxes. Another one owes. See, that’s the difference between the two political parties right there. Republicans believe in no new taxes. Democrats believe in no old ones.” – Jay Leno

“Hey, you hear about this? A voice from the past, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who may run for president in 2012, that’s the rumor, has converted to Catholicism. So after a number of affairs, two divorces, and three marriages, how would you like to get stuck behind him for that first confession, huh?” – Jay Leno

“And China says it wants to replace the U.S. dollar with a new global currency. They want to move from a gold-based standard to a lead-based standard.” – Jay Leno

“And from the animal kingdom, it seems a loggerhead sea turtle nearly swam to the doorstep of a Florida Keys turtle hospital. This is the only licensed veterinary facility in the world that solely treats sea turtles. This turtle somehow knew to swim right up to the hospital. Isn’t that amazing? Sad part, they had to turn him away when his H.M.O. wouldn’t cover the visit.” – Jay Leno