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Late Night Political Humor

“In business news after receiving billions of dollars in government bailout money, the company Chrysler ended up filing for bankruptcy protection today. Chrysler was founded in 1923 by Walter P. Chrysler, but it really took off under his younger brother, Jesus H. Chrysler, who’s I guess like some kind of marketing genius.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Chrysler filed for bankruptcy today. But, actually, President Obama said Chrysler was forced to file for bankruptcy because even though the unions and the banks had agreed to make sacrifices, a small group of hedge fund managers refused to help out. Boy, where is that waterboarding when you really need it?” – Jay Leno

“I’m glad you’re all in a good mood, but I’m a little bummed out today because I made a bad investment. So stupid! I opened a Chrysler dealership in Mexico City.” – Jay Leno

“During his speech to the nation last night, Obama told the American people they should cover their mouths when they cough to prevent the spread of swine flu. And today, he told Joe Biden to cover his mouth whenever he talks.” – Jay Leno

“Vice President Joe Biden got himself in a little bit of hot water because earlier on the ‘Today’ show, he’s shooting his mouth off. He’s saying that the subways in New York City are not safe because of swine flu. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Joe, listen to this — the subways weren’t safe before swine flu.” – David Letterman

“Oh, man, Biden did it again. God may have taken away Bush, but by golly, he gave us Joe Biden. You see this today? Joe Biden was on the ‘Today’ show, and he said he would tell his family members not to take any commercial flights and don’t ride in any subway cars because of this swine flu. You know, I don’t think Joe Biden ‘s going to catch swine flu, but it’s pretty obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease.” – Jay Leno

“You know who’s really worried about this swine flu? Kevin Bacon.” – Jay Leno

“Sports fans are being asked to stay home in Mexico because the flu spreads in large crowds. In New York, they’re trying a similar thing at Yankee Stadium by making sure the prices for tickets are so high that no one can afford them.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Actually, you don’t want to panic, because the CDC says it’s all about prevention. For example, they’re now telling people if you do put lipstick on a pig, do not use that same lipstick on yourself.” – Jay Leno

“New York City is taking every possible precaution to avoid swine flu. For example, I was over at St. Patrick’s Cathedral earlier today, lighting a candle, and I happened to notice that they have replaced the holy water with Purell.” – David Letterman

“More than 300 schools in 14 states are closed now, 200 in Texas alone. The swine flu is like a new snow day. I would be delighted if I was a child at this time. But whenever something like this flu happens, it’s important, I think, to find someone to point the finger at and usually the person who’s responsible is the person who stands to benefit from it. So that is why I’m blaming the people at Purell for the swine flu. They started this. I know they did it and if they’d just come clean, I think we’d all forgive them, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“According to one of the news services, U.S. pork producers are now lobbying the United States government to change the name of this swine flu because they say it’s bad for business. And, you know, actually, they’re right. You cannot catch swine flu from eating pork. Oh, sure, you can get heart disease, obesity and high blood pressure, but not the swine flu.” – Jay Leno

“The government does not want us to call it the swine flu. They’re calling it the 2009 H1N1 virus. The reason for the change is they want people to know you can still eat all the pork you want without any risk to your health, except diabetes, obesity and heart disease.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“And the big political story, of course, is that 79-year-old Senator Arlen Specter has switched parties. We’re learning more and more about exactly how this deal went down. In fact, I understand to sweeten the deal, as a signing bonus, the Democrats offered him a Life Alert and a year’s supply of Ensure.” – Jay Leno

“Anybody see President Barack Obama’s press conference last night? Well, did you know that during the press conference, three more Republicans defected?” – David Letterman

“Arlen Specter has been a Republican for a long time, so it has got to be tough, don’t you think? I mean, for years you’re lying out of the right side of your mouth, and now suddenly you’ve got to start lying out the left side of your mouth.” – Jay Leno

“Senator Arlen Specter, though, has really left the Republican Party, which is like resigning from Chrysler.” – David Letterman

“Well, actually, other senators are talking about jumping ship as well. There’s talk John McCain may go back to the Federalist Party.” – Jay Leno

“I guess in the world of politics that’s very exciting, Specter switching from the Republican Party to the Democrats. But what would be really cool for me is if I could just get my mom to switch from Leno.” – David Letterman

“Thousands of women in Kenya have vowed to withhold sex until their nation’s leaders stop their bickering. The women said they got the idea after a recent visit by Hillary Clinton.” – Jay Leno

“It’s happening more and more. The New Hampshire Senate now has passed a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage in New Hampshire. So, New Hampshire could go from the Granite State to the Tasteful Marble Countertop State.” – Jay Leno


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  1. Swine Flu | Forgetting Ourselves on Wednesday, May 6, 2009 at 5:29 pm

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