“Even with the recession, the price of gas continues to go up. And some economists say that’s because speculators think the economy will turn around soon, and when things are good, gas prices are high. But you know, when things are bad, gas prices are high. I’m not an economist, but here’s a wild thought. Maybe the oil companies are just trying to screw us.” – Jay Leno

“I tell you, the economy’s in bad shape. Today, a group of Somali pirates attacked a Gorton Fisherman. That’s how bad it is.” – Jay Leno

“President Barack Obama’s in Las Vegas. So, if things go well at the table, General Motors just might make it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, after running out of options, Chrysler headed to bankruptcy court this morning. That isn’t good. They headed there in a brand new Mitsubishi. That was even worse.” – Jimmy Fallon

“During her confirmation hearings, Judge Sotomayor is going to get tough questions from the senators. But I think she’ll be fine. I mean, this is a woman who spent her whole life in the courtroom, so she’s used to being around criminals.” – Jay Leno

“On his radio show yesterday, Rush Limbaugh called supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor a ‘reverse racist.’ I got to hand it to Limbaugh. That guy is a reverse genius.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Barack Obama’s in Los Angeles tonight for a huge fundraiser at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. Actually, one awkward moment — as Obama was entering the Beverly Hilton, he bumped into John Edwards, who was sneaking out.” – Jay Leno

“People in Beverly Hills had a lot of questions for the President about health care. They wanted to make sure that tummy tucks and Brazilian butt lifts were covered under Medicare.” – Jay Leno

“I read in the — this seems a little scary — in the paper today, President Obama had less than a one-hour warning of North Korea’s nuclear tests. Yeah. Well, that’s not bad when you realize he has absolutely no warning when Joe Biden’s going to go off.” – Jay Leno

“And during a speech at a high school, former President George W. Bush said he’s really enjoying the fact that he’s no longer president. Hey, join the club.” – Jay Leno

“The American College of Sports Medicine announced its list of the fittest cities in the United States. It’s surprising — you know what the number one fittest city is? Washington, D.C. Number one. Yeah. I wouldn’t have guessed that. But, see, it’s from all of the Democrats running away from Nancy Pelosi, and all of the Republicans running away from Rush Limbaugh. So they all stay in shape. That’s how it works.” – Jay Leno

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