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Colbert in Iraq

“I am Stephen Colbert, and I am reporting for duty. Folks, right off the top, I want to thank the USO for bringing me and my show to our brave men and women in uniform in Baghdad, Iraq. Thank you so much. I have to say, this place is great. I’ve always loved the beach, but I hate the ocean, so this is perfect!” – Stephen Colbert

“What an honor it is for you to have me here, and what a thrill it is to bring my show to the men and women in the U.S. military in Iraq. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. Iraq. The country so nice, we invaded it twice.” – Stephen Colbert

“You know, folks, a lesser man would try to pander to you. But I’m not going to do that. Besides, you would never fall for it, because you are the sharpest, coolest, sexiest fighting force in the history of mankind.” – Stephen Colbert

“You know, it’s my first trip to Iraq. I don’t know why I haven’t made it here before, but it’s hard to explain to the people back home just how hot it is here. Let me put it this way: When Saddam Hussein got to hell, I’m guessing he asked for a blanket.” – Stephen Colbert

“We’re actually broadcasting tonight from one of Saddam Hussein’s old palaces, the al-Fah, which is also known as the water palace, because that’s the only damn drink you can get around here. Come on! I mean, really. No alcohol? If anyone deserves a beer, it’s you people.” – Stephen Colbert

“Besides, if you get one, hook me up. I’ve had a look around the palace. Saddam had fantastic taste. There’s so much marble and gold paint, I thought I was watching ‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey.'” – Stephen Colbert

“But you know, it must be nice here in Iraq, because I understand some of you keep coming back again, and again, and again. … The good news is, you’ve earned enough frequent flier miles for a free ticket to Afghanistan.” – Stephen Colbert

“But folks, this newsman is here. Why? Well, for a lot of reasons. First, medical. My doctor said I wasn’t getting enough dust. Second, personal. I’ve always wanted to be able to cook a microwave burrito in my pants.” – Stephen Colbert

“You know, Saddam’s face is still on some of the walls around here. He’s carved himself into the murals. And Saddam’s initials are still on the ceiling and on the top of the pillars. But now that he’s gone, I think we should really figure out something new for S.H. to stand for. Hmm, S.H. What would fit now? S*** happens?” – Stephen Colbert


One Comment

  1. Chuck Makela wrote:

    The Colbert wit seems to be better than ever. Whether Stephen wrote this material on his own or employed a stable of writers, our troops in Baghdad had to be holding their sides as the show went on. Our military serving in Iraq, and everywhere else for that matter, deserves the best of what the U.S. has to offer and Colbert certainly delivered the humor in quantity.

    Saturday, June 13, 2009 at 9:38 am | Permalink

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