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Late Night Political Humor

“Have you seen these town hall meetings about the health care? People are screaming. And I’ll tell you, because if there’s one thing Americans hate, it’s comprehensive health coverage.” – David Letterman

“Polls now are showing that people are actually believing the right-wing corporate-inspired myths about health care, and that’s why this is going down the tubes. Forty-five percent of the people in this country believe that the government will now get to decide to pull the plug on grandma. Fifty-five percent think that the health care overhaul will give coverage to illegal immigrants. And the same number think Obama is an illegal immigrant. Fifty-five percent think it will cover abortions.” – Bill Maher

“Congress has been agonizing over health care for months now. Squabbling, fighting, the town hall meetings going crazy. Meanwhile, while they’re arguing about health care, we’re stuck in two wars that were rubber-stamped in about 10 minutes. What? How does that make any sense when you think about it?” – David Letterman

“And then there’s the people who come to the town hall meetings about health care and think that Obama is going to do the same thing that Hitler did. I mean, what can’t you tell these people that they won’t believe? I could start a rumor right now. I could say, you know what? Under Obama’s health care plan, when you bring your child to a pediatrician, from now on, when he’s done, instead of giving him a balloon, he’s going to give the kid a condom. Stupid is a preexisting condition, yes.” – Bill Maher

“People are always saying to me, ‘Well, Dave, are you worried?’ No, I’m not worried about health care, and I’ll tell you why. Because I’m with CBS. … They have a tremendous health care plan. And here’s what it is. Simply, when I die, I get to appear on a ‘CSI’ show as a corpse.” – David Letterman

“And apparently, it’s now no longer enough to be screaming as they’ve been doing at the town hall meetings. They’re now bringing guns. I would say these people are armed to the teeth, but they have no teeth.” –Bill Maher

“That’s what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell ‘AK-47!’ and a lady yelled, ‘Bingo!'” –Bill Maher

“I’ll tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if I want to see a death panel, I’ll tune into a George Stephanopoulos roundtable.” – David Letterman

“Speaking of death panels, Dick Cheney said, ‘Death panels! Count me in!'” – David Letterman

“And they’re also bringing guns to events with the president of the United States. Did you see these people with the assault rifles? There was a guy — and it was a black guy — holding a big assault rifle, which is terrible news for white people. I mean, first we lose our dominance over music, then sports, then golf, then the presidency. Now, black people are taking over the gun-toting redneck industry.” – Bill Maher

“Dick Cheney has a brand new book. It’s a memoir about his life and times, and I believe the title of it is called, ‘Too Fat to Waterboard.'” – David Letterman

“I didn’t know this, but according to the book, there was a time when President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney weren’t speaking. They got into a fight and they weren’t speaking. It really got so bad that earlier today, President Obama invited them both to the White House for a beer.” – David Letterman

“And Cheney said that President Bush, there was a point during the second term, that he stopped listening to the vice president. George Bush stopped listening to his vice president. And I said to myself, ‘Whoa. Well, maybe this guy wasn’t as dumb as we thought.'” – David Letterman

“But the president, he always stays cool. He’s starting his vacation and going to Martha’s Vineyard on Sunday with the family, renting an estate that costs $30,000 a week. Republicans are saying that makes him seem aloof and uncaring. And that is their job!” – Bill Maher

“But it’s his first week-long vacation that he’s had since he became president, which is quite a contrast with George Bush. Because George Bush, during his first eight years in office, he was on vacation a grand total of eight years.” – Bill Maher


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